Sunday, July 24, 2011

7 months

I am not sure where the time goes these days. It was 7 months ago today that I last saw my mother. Is she out of my heart and mind? NO! I speak with her caregivers every few weeks. I still pay her bills and buy her whatever they tell me she needs.
She has a routine and they have suggested I don't come visit. They can't keep me away BUT her agitation when I leave makes it difficult for the staff to calm her down. I stay away.
I am told she "hangs out" with 3 other residents in the common room, also with advanced Alzheimer's. They have a common past; they are widows and also were nurses when they were employed.
My mother is placid she has a routine her "loops" and small pieces of memory are all that is left. She spends hours crocheting.
My early childhood was filled with different types of abuse and she and I seldom were on the same page as I got older. We did have good times on my birthday which is Halloween. Thanksgiving and Christmas were of mostly ok and some were truly joyful! Shopping for a tree for Christmas was a great event! We had to find a tree that "talked " to all of us before it was allowed to be purchased.
Then there were the BBQ's, Daddy would insist on having a big family BBQ for Memorial Day, July 4th and Labor Day, they were special times. He did this steak called "startling steak" it had been on the cover of an old Redbook magazine boy was it yummy.
Who was this woman whose lights are almost out? She was, from the stories I heard, a great boss in the OR. In her day she had to have a Masters of Nursing Science to be an OR supervisor and she did it when she was under 22 right after WWII.
She was beautiful, her mother,my Nina, was the first Miss America in 1917 and my mother was as beautiful as my grandma. She had quick wit, she and Daddy were very active with the Democratic party for as long as I can remember.
The women in my family have always been writers my great grandmother had a monthly column in a paper in Missouri. Mom wrote lots of poems and stories; I have written for a few magazines and my oldest daughter, who turns 29 Wednesday, also writes and has been published.
When grandpa passed away my mother took her mother in. Mom kept Nina until the Alzheimer's was more than my mother could handle.
She loved her grandchildren and spoiled them rotten when she could. She was devoted to Daddy. All that is gone now. In her own way she loved me, I have to believe that!
My sweet husband just lost his 92 year old father, his Dad had a good run, almost a whole century. The lose of a parent/grandparent is not easy. Heather knows seeing my mother is no longer and option. She is without any grandparents and my husband is now a 57 year old orphan.
I know that one morning I will wake up call my friend Sami and bring flowers to Mom. I need to see her once more. I am prepared for it to be "stop and run" that is what her therapist said. Go knowing that you may only have a few sane minutes then leave the second it gets bad.
I want those of you who read this blog to know how much I appreciate your notes back to me. With the passing of Brad's Dad I realize as difficult as this is, losing her will be even harder. Why? Because somewhere deep inside me I keep hoping that she and I can find resolution. I know that won't happen but ...when she leaves this world there is no hope for closure.
For now the blog entries keep me from driving my family and friends insane with my ramblings. I cry as I write fearing the outcome for me will be the same as my mother and my grandmother. Once more I thank you for letting me share the insights of my mind, heart and soul. Alzheimer's remains Horrid!
PS I have re read this 10 times please forgive my errors it is hard to write from my soul and check for grammar mistakes at the same time!


  1. thank you for sharing..
    I dont know you well, but I heard a guy on a weightloss show on tv say that people are just looking for acceptance...
    And the first person that you need to look to find it, is yourself.
    A person needs to truly love and accept themselves in order to find peace...
    This way, how our mother's act towards us, really doesn't matter-because We know the truth about ourselves.
    (growing up,my mother was physically abusive)

  2. I think in theory that what you heard is true. I am a Christian and I know The Lord loves me as I am. There are days weeks and even months that I am at peace BUT when I write on my blog it is because something has happened that challenges those moments of acceptance and inner peace. Blogland in my opinion give us all a place to expose that scared little child we have inside.

  3. I have read your blog a couple of times and today I wanted to post a comment. I cannot, yet, really know your loss but as I continue on my journey with my own mother through dementia I can empathize. I do understand having faith but being lost anyway sometimes. I also relate to your concern for your inherited legacy. My own great grandmother, grandmother and now my mother have all had dementia. You are in my prayers now too. This is getting to be too long a list but it is good company in a lonesome time.