a good visit

Well yesterday Rachel and I decided to go to the nursing home. I prayed a lot, since I never know how I will be greeted. When we got out of the elevator I looked right at my mother and did not recognize her. Rachel had to point to her. Why? It has been 2 months but I swear she has aged 10 years. The visit was fine she cried and held my hand, we had a few "loop" conversations but all in all it was nice.
Rachel's wedding is less than 6 weeks away, as it gets closer we will pray that Mom can stay calm and attend. Rachel really wants her t here now and so do I.
My heart is not as heavy but this is still HOrrid!

i don't want tooooooo

There seems to be several sides to how to behave with or to one's parent who has Alzheimer's. There are many who are able and do an amazing job of keeping their loved one with them to the end, others like myself who only last months before a nursing home comes into the picture and then there are those who from the first moment find some where else to keep the person they have called Mom, Dad or ???.
Even when your parent is in a nursing home. There are visits or calls from your children who once again saying, "Why did you put Grandma there?" Good friends who say,"She really doesn't seem that bad!"
How do you explain that even though you know in your mind the hateful words the blank stares the confusing conversation that my son Joe refers to as the"Loop" are exhausting. They are not really that person who raised you. Let's not forget the paperwork that seems endless when you are the POA of our loved one.
I am a Christian and I know in my heart the Lord understands how I handle this horrid disease. I do have so much repecct for you out there in blogland who seem to have seem to come to a quiet peace. Perhaps when more time goes by it has after all not been year since Daddy died and I found out the truth out about my Mother and her horrid disease.
I want to go back in time when Daddy was taking care of Mom in AZ and I would come out to visit and all was simple. I don't want tooooo have a Mother with Alzheimer's I want her whole again.. BUT she is gone and my family is left with a woman who is daily slipping away into her own world.

I can drive again

Mu surgeon said i can drive again so No excuses so I need to go see Beverly. The nursing home called today to tell me she fell naked outside her bathroom door. She is fine just a little embarrassed. Rachel and I are going to visit next week. Joe just saw her , Stewart is on vacation. While at the movies with Rachel yesterday there was a granddaughter probably 25 ish like Rachel with her grandmother holding hands heading into the same move we went to see. "Letters to Juliet" my heart was sad. It doesn't go away the heartbreak just hangs around.

don't ask

I just spoke with Joe about stuff nothing really important. It didn't take long to ask about if I had seen his Grandma. HE hadn't seen her since her birthday nor had I. Stewart hasn't been by either and he and his wife are getting ready to move so he will not be visiting much more. Rachel and I were there on Thursday doing paper work but just could not work up the "muster" to see her. Damn do I feel like a crap daughter.

last of the ...

I am superstitious. I just gave the nursing home what appears to be the last of the paperwork for my mother's pension transfers. We shall see if that is true or not. I just could not make myself go up to see her....I feel so guilty my future son in law and my oldest daughter are at the hospital and his mother's bedside every day and has been for almost 4 weeks waiting, watching her slowly die. I can't even muster the courage to see my own mother. Life's a bitch sometimes!!!!
I wonder how she feels does she even know we have not been there ? Does she miss us? IS she sad? Who knows ...

$$$$$

My wonderful Daddy worked all his life as did my mother. Now that he is passed and she is in a nursing home it has taken hours upon hours to get the funds transfered to the nursing home. I can't tell you how many hours I have been on hold and transfered or the number of copies of my POA have been faxed. The social security check was one lone piece of paper but private and military pensions of my goodness!!! Getting mother her medicaid number took almost 4 months. I am greatly relieved that has finally been achieved because getting invoices for over $40,000 from her nursing home was a little scary!
Supposedly I will be receiving forms from the military and Daddy private pension within the next 10 business days. Then just one lone trip to the nursing home for accounting and myself to sign and that part will be over. We shall see....

sighhhhhh

IT is sad to say that there are days when I don't think of my mother. I always think of Daddy.
I had surgery on April 29th and I felt like the biggest baby. I so missed my parents being there when I woke up. The pink roses Daddy would have had waiting for me. Mom talking to the doctor and nurses making sure they had done a good job. I sent her a mother's day card so did Heather. I did not call. I have not got back to see her since her birthday the 22 nd of April. I really really hate this disease. I am affraid of who she will be when I go again. So I don't go I don't call then I justify my like of visits by her poor mother behavior when I was a kid. it is an endless circle of quilt and sadness. My middle son wants to know why she is there and not in an Assisted living place where she has more freedom. I again have to explain about this horrible disease and the the Grandma he knew when he was little is no longer around. I won't be able to drive for several more weeks that is my excuse for now, oh there are people who would be glad to take me but..But I just can't make myself go.....yep Alzheimer's is horrid for everyone!