Just wondering????

    I was re-reading some of my posts and then decided to go to that place in BLOG LAND where you can see how many people read what you write and where they all live.  It is interesting to know how many others can understand what this is like.
     My dear friend; Kris has a 96 yer old Dad who also has Alzheimer's only "Babe" his real name is Homer is so funny. He  talks about  how he won WWII as a pilot, or how he paid for this doctor or that doctor to go through medical school. Or that he designed that new building etc etc....you get the idea!
      Recently he told Kris that he had been going to Chicago on Southwest airlines and told the stewardess that they had over shot the airport. He then went into the cockpit and found the pilots had been shot and killed. Babe told Kris he sat down  and landed the plane safely. But before he could do that someone had to come and fix the bullet  holes in the window. Some one came in and fixed them  Babe commented on the neat way they spread some "goo" into the holes and they instantly mended themselves. The repair person said to Babe, "well, Sir you shouldn't be impressed you invented the product." The story was better hearing it from Kris first hand.
        In Babe's world he is the hero, the fixer, the all knowing, he on occasion remembers his 3 adult children. Kris is the middle child, she is the one who takes care of all of her father's needs. Her older brother and younger sister WILL NOT help in any way. Sadly that is not uncommon either.
     The point is some of you out there in Blog land do have family members with this horrid disease that are funny, smile and may even if for only a minute remember who you are to them.
     I only have Kris to hear that side of Alzheimer's.
    She and I have been best friends for almost 50 years. Our parents (her Mom is gone as is my Daddy)  have know each other the same length of time.  Who would have ever thought instead of playing cards together they would be in nursing homes on opposite sides of the country with the same disease and behaving like night and day.
      My thoughts are this, truly this disease is something to be taken one day at a time,  it will end. Whether there is any inner peace when the end comes I'll tell when I know. For now Mom is alive with most of her "lights" out and her body shutting down a little more each day.
     I shutter when the phone rings really late or very early. I can only pray when it is her time it will be gentle and peaceful.... and God forgive... sooner than later...

Poor Joe, 2 grandma's down...

    My  Joe is the oldest of all the grandchildren at 43.
   David, my x-husband, has a 91 year old Mom, Betty, she just left Florida to live out the rest of her time with family here in the Northeast. She has recently developed ovarian and uterine cancer and to everyone's shock is having a complete hysterectomy on Tues. Will she even survive the surgery? Who knows?
        David wants all the kids to come to Ma. today to see his mother just in case she does not make it through surgery.  I certainly understand that BUT  Rachel and I will be leaving  to go for 6 days to Canada. Stewart lives in Buffalo NY  is going to law school.  Not only does he have no time; he and Carolyn are on a really tight budget and can't afford another trip out here right now.
          But Joe is here and has time,  he will be expected to go. I need Joe to be "on call" for my mother. 
        I know my son, he is responsible and loves these old women and David and I.  He would tell you he is not thrilled to be put in this position. BUT he will do what needs to be done.
          Joe was close to both his now deceased Grandfather's but not so with either Grandma.
          Here we have one 91 year old lady who from the neck up is "right on" and one 87 year old lady who from the neck down "is in ok shape."
          Between the Alzheimer's and the Cancer I wonder who will leave to go the Lord and a deceased husband first.?
          My point of all this is;  as horrible as Alzheimer's is losing possibly losing someone that has reached 91 to Cancer is just as HORRID.
       We pray that Betty lives through the surgery and reaches another birthday. As for Beverly each day is a struggle for me and the kids. Having a body that works okay but no mind is so difficult.
       Once again I turn this over to God.  I pray what ever HE does with these two Grandma's we the surviving family know it is HIS will and not ours.
        May you each find comfort in God and your loved ones...this is not a simple nor short path....

Does She remember????

    This time 3 years ago I was flying to Az. I had spoken to Daddy at the usual 5 am NY time we spoke for about 15 minutes. He told me he loved me and that he was tired.  Just before we said our goodbyes he once again asked me to promise to take care of Mom when he was gone. 19 hours later my mother called screaming into the phone that Daddy was dead. I had reservation to fly out August 17th. I called Southwest told them what happened and they changed my ticket immediately. I was at the airport  and on my way less than 2 hours after Mom called.
     This morning is the 3 year anniversary of my Daddy's passing. I sat at this computer and cried. Why him, why, my best friend, why the most honorable man in the world why, why, why???
       Then I wondered will Mom know what today is; will she review her life with this wonderful man who took such good care of us? And after I left home devoted himself 150 % to this woman who  Daddy loved her even though she was such high maintenance?
         I know the answer.  She no longer knows what day, what week  or what year. She doesn't remember me. So does she remember the "love of her life?" Most likely not... just another reason to hate Alzheimer's.
         But Daddy I remember you and I will honor those memories always. And even though I haven't seen Mom in a long time I am taking care of her and it hurts my heart to know she will never know that even after all the bad times; I do love her. After all I had you as an example. You came into our lives when I was 9 and showed me from the start that love has nothing to do with genes but with your heart. Thank you Daddy, I will always love you!

Hmmm another holiday...

This day in 1968 I married David. We had a big Catholic wedding with 5 bridesmaids, ring barer, flower girl, matron of honor best man and 350 guests. The marriage produced 3 wonderful children all grown all with their own lives. The marriage to David lasted 30 years. Rachel and I were on our own for 5 years , she was 15 when we split up.
 Then I married the love of my life Brad and adopted his daughter Heather who was barely 2. David is happy with his present wife and after years of not speaking I actually invited him and his wife to our daughter Rachel's 30 birthday party I am having on the 28th of this month.
WHAT does this have to do with Alzheimer's. It is a day that reminds me of how much I miss the good times. The family bar-b-ques, all the Holidays,  birthday parties,  plays and baseball games the kids were in, my parents came when they could.
Heather is in the summer production of "the Wiz" she is a Winkie and a Poppy.  Certainly not staring rolls but she is excited Daddy and MOm would have loved to see her onstatge. Rachel and her older brother Joe are racing with the their Dad in the "firecracker run" here in Saratoga NY. Then there is the family bbq and after a trip to see "Brave"in 3D.
There was a time when my parents would have moved mountains to attend all these events.
Yes, Mom and I had lots of issues; but the family gatherings; that is is where there was love and laughs and I miss those time.
I watched the last part of "THE NOTEBOOK" last night, I so wish that was our ending.
I hope and pray for all of us who live in the world  with someone we love who has Alzheimer's that today for awhile we can hold on to the good times and the happy memories.  Just maybe for a short time forget that Alzheimer's is Horrid.

not much to say...

But...2 more of our friends have buried a parent in the last week. The sad part of being 60 something is that the parents of our piers are all in the late  80's and they die.  Even though it was "just" 2 deaths I purchased another 3 Sympathy cards because it seems that almost every other week or so someone passes. As for my Mom she is still "hanging in there."

another passing

I have a brother who is 8 years older than myself. My mother,  had him at 17  barely 7 months along. In 1942 when a infant was under 3 lbs there was little hope. Even though Mom was married somehow my  grandparents decided they should raise him, and they did. I did not meet him until he was 21.
HE was not all together "in his right mind" and he caused lots of trouble. He did get married it lasted long enough for him to father two daughters.
A few days ago while on facebook I noticed people saying things to my niece like, " so sorry for your loss", "I will keep you in our prayers.." I went back through the "wall" but could not figure out what  had happened. I emailed Diane Sue and found out the her sister, my 41 year old niece, wife and mother of 5 had been killed Wednesday the 13th by a drunk driver.
I immediately wanted to call Daddy and Mom and tell them. I even had the phone in my hand for a brief second.
Cindy is with the Lord,  she has seen Daddy,  I believe.  I can't tell Mom, she most likely would not know who Cindy even was. My heart once again aches there are so many things that Alzheimer's steals. Even sharing tragedy, is not possible..... My heart has no more tears right now...Night all. God Bless.

More nightgowns

      It seems my main job is to pay her bills and  to purchase clothes for my Mom. The call from the nursing home came last week. "Hi Jewels, the nurses on your Mother's floor said she needs some new nightgowns." I have no problem doing that but where do they go? I wonder if it is that the commercial washing machines "eats"  the fabric after awhile. I have found Lands End seems to have the nicest mid-calf heavier fabric short sleeve and sleeveless collection with nice solids and prints to choose from, for modesty sake.
      My mother  always wore lovely matching undies but no longer wears a bra and sadly is in diapers. Non shear gowns are a must.  I remember when I was a teenager going into my Mom's closet she must have had at least a dozen, if not more, beautiful lace gowns and robes of all colors  and little slippers with heals to match.
      She loved pretty clothes, she was so pretty.  Until she was in her mid 30's she had auburn hair to her waist which she wore in a pony tail.  Daddy and Mommy went to Mexico to the dog-races and some man offered Mom  a thousand dollars for her pony tail. She laughed and said, No!" A few months later her Mother told her she was to old to wear a pony tail and she had her her cut off. That was long before "locks of love" so she was minus her beautiful hair. She should have sold it to the man at least she would have had the $1000. 
        I stopped at the store before going to the nursing home. I added to the bag with the 3 gowns, 3 magazines, a Hershey almond bar, a sleeve of Oreo double stuff cookies  and a coke. All her favorite things.
        Once again I was going to brave the trip to the second floor. BUT I handed everything to her Social worker instead and left. My friend Sami waited in my car. Her mother passed away a few years ago. Her Mom also had Alzheimer's  so she understands the path so many of us take. By time her Mother passed away she also had no clue who Sami or her siblings were. She understood my tears on the way home.
       That is what this blog is about letting everyone in Blogland know it is okay to be angry, and sad. We all cry for what is happening now and what  we thought it was "supposed to be"  like and deep inside we want it to be over.
       Thanks for not judging. I hope on some small level my words (typos and all)  give some comfort. God Bless, Jewels