Thanksgiving came and went, Christmas has come and gone.
No visit to Mom. Phone calls from the nursing home, the flu has made it's rounds so they had to ask me if Mom could receive a flu shot. I said yes. They asked if we wanted to attend the Holiday buffet. I said no.
The florist who is down the street from Baptist was sweet, as always, when I ordered Mom her flowers. A Christmas arrangement with one yellow rose, the card, signed as always, " You are loved!" Did I call the home to see if she liked the flowers? No. I have come to the place deep inside that let's me know for a few moments she will enjoy the flowers but then as quickly as that occurs she will ask who they are for.
It has been 2 years now since any of the family has seen Mom. There was a time when she and Daddy lived in AZ. that we did not see them for as many as 8 years. I did speak to or email Daddy every other day though and spoke briefly with Mom when I called.
I called my oldest son, Joe, we spoke about his grandma and the situation. I cried, he simply said, "Mom, It's ok you are doing all that can be done now." I just pray I never get to place that my kids have to deal with this kind of situation.
For now we shall see what 2013 brings Mom turns 88 in April. I wonder if she will still be here or will she at last be with the Lord and my dear Daddy. I can only pray and have Faith that I whatever happens I will be strong in my God.
Happy New Year all of you in Blogland.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
The visit
I took a deep breathe and headed to Baptist . My friend Deb and her 8 year daughter Stephanie came with me, she had picked up some yellow flowers at Aldie's for me for Mom and we headed for Kmart, for the list of needed items.
I like going to the same clerk and Geri who is about 70 is my choice at KMart. We spoke briefly about her health and the Thanksgiving dinner she would be having. She then asked me if I was going to be with my Mom. What did I do? Well, cry of course. I pulled myself together enough to tell her how Mom's condition had become worse and it was suggested that I not see her. She was kind and told me I was a good daughter to take the time to buy what she needed.
We arrived at the nursing home while the 3 of us walked across the parking lot we were "flagged" down by Anika, Mom's social worker. I handed her the flowers and the bag of clothes so they could be tagged. She said, " You aren't going to see your Mom, are you?" Again I cried. I said no but Deb wanted to. Anika seemed relieved.
While I went to accounts payable Deb and Steph went to the second floor to visit. Visiting Janice and Rose in that department is always a good thing. After almost 3 years we have become friends and since they work there they have a different perspective which helps me to feel less horrible.
I sat in the outside lobby for about 15 minutes. When Deb and Steph returned Deb gave me a glowing report . Mom looked well her hair is all white and to her waist, ( the staff would love to cut it because it is hard for them to wash it) but Mom wants it long! My Mother even remembered when they went shopping in 2009 for Christmas.
On the way to the car Deb asked me 6 times if I wanted to go back and see her. I explained each time that Mom is on some heavy meds to keep her calm and the last thing the staff needs is for me to upset her. AND I do NOT need to be attacked.
I love Deb and I am glad it was a good visit for the 3 of them BUT she has a totally different relationship with her mother.
Of course after dropping them off I cried all the way home.
I hate Alzheimer's. I hate what it has done to my Mother and I hate what it has done to me. She will be 88 in April I wonder where she will be then.
She can no loner walk, the uses a lift to get her up and down, she is in diapers, she is medicated to keep her calm. Please Lord take her home to be with Daddy! PLEASE!
I like going to the same clerk and Geri who is about 70 is my choice at KMart. We spoke briefly about her health and the Thanksgiving dinner she would be having. She then asked me if I was going to be with my Mom. What did I do? Well, cry of course. I pulled myself together enough to tell her how Mom's condition had become worse and it was suggested that I not see her. She was kind and told me I was a good daughter to take the time to buy what she needed.
We arrived at the nursing home while the 3 of us walked across the parking lot we were "flagged" down by Anika, Mom's social worker. I handed her the flowers and the bag of clothes so they could be tagged. She said, " You aren't going to see your Mom, are you?" Again I cried. I said no but Deb wanted to. Anika seemed relieved.
While I went to accounts payable Deb and Steph went to the second floor to visit. Visiting Janice and Rose in that department is always a good thing. After almost 3 years we have become friends and since they work there they have a different perspective which helps me to feel less horrible.
I sat in the outside lobby for about 15 minutes. When Deb and Steph returned Deb gave me a glowing report . Mom looked well her hair is all white and to her waist, ( the staff would love to cut it because it is hard for them to wash it) but Mom wants it long! My Mother even remembered when they went shopping in 2009 for Christmas.
On the way to the car Deb asked me 6 times if I wanted to go back and see her. I explained each time that Mom is on some heavy meds to keep her calm and the last thing the staff needs is for me to upset her. AND I do NOT need to be attacked.
I love Deb and I am glad it was a good visit for the 3 of them BUT she has a totally different relationship with her mother.
Of course after dropping them off I cried all the way home.
I hate Alzheimer's. I hate what it has done to my Mother and I hate what it has done to me. She will be 88 in April I wonder where she will be then.
She can no loner walk, the uses a lift to get her up and down, she is in diapers, she is medicated to keep her calm. Please Lord take her home to be with Daddy! PLEASE!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
A call...
Sometimes caller ID is not my favorite phone feature.
Thursday IT rang, it said Baptist Health, it was really early, I held my breathe and said, " HI." IT was Cindy, she began the conversation with, " the aide who baths Mom noticed several bruises on Mom's person, they were on her arms, buttocks, ankles. Then Cindy added, " Your Mom can no longer walk or get in and out or up and down with out help by a lift."
Cindy is fairly sure since each time this equipment is used ( which is several times a day) Mom fights screams and generally is not pleasant that the bruises are brought on by her struggle. Made sense to me. I hung up and told Brad and Heather, my sweet Heather cried. I left the room and cried too.
Late last night (Friday the 9th) it rang again, again the caller ID said Baptist Health. I held my breathe. This time it was a new voice. She was reporting that Mom had become so belligerent that the Psychiatrist just had written a script for a new drug to hopefully calm her down.
It seems my mother is slipping farther away each day. With each phone call I am torn about braving it and going to see her.
I am afraid to see her, I am afraid of her anger, I am afraid that when I see her she will.... I am JUST AFRAID!
Thursday IT rang, it said Baptist Health, it was really early, I held my breathe and said, " HI." IT was Cindy, she began the conversation with, " the aide who baths Mom noticed several bruises on Mom's person, they were on her arms, buttocks, ankles. Then Cindy added, " Your Mom can no longer walk or get in and out or up and down with out help by a lift."
Cindy is fairly sure since each time this equipment is used ( which is several times a day) Mom fights screams and generally is not pleasant that the bruises are brought on by her struggle. Made sense to me. I hung up and told Brad and Heather, my sweet Heather cried. I left the room and cried too.
Late last night (Friday the 9th) it rang again, again the caller ID said Baptist Health. I held my breathe. This time it was a new voice. She was reporting that Mom had become so belligerent that the Psychiatrist just had written a script for a new drug to hopefully calm her down.
It seems my mother is slipping farther away each day. With each phone call I am torn about braving it and going to see her.
I am afraid to see her, I am afraid of her anger, I am afraid that when I see her she will.... I am JUST AFRAID!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
my birthday
Halloween came and I had my 62nd birthday. All in all it was a lovely day; the kids, and friends all called, sent cards, silly presents, Facebooked, dropped by etc. Half way through the day however I curled up in a ball and sobbed in my husbands arms. Why? Well you can guess. I missed my parents I wondered if my mother remembered my birthday. I was born on her mother's birthday, did she remember either one?
Just as I was about to go to sleep my dear friend's 80 year old mother Eileen called, she sang happy birthday to me and I cried!!!!
Is it worse when your parent is gone? Will I STILL CRY FOR WHAT MY MOM MISSES WHEN SHE IS WITH THE LORD?
Then out of the blue in the mail on Saturday an envelope arrived from a new collection agency addressed to my mother. This company had purchased her debt from HSBC of 9 grand and wanted to be paid ASAP! Now the phone calls have started again. I have explained until I am blue in the face that there is no money, that Daddy has been deceased for over 3 years and that my mother lives in a world that no one can get to anymore. I have sent copies of my POA and other papers, I have gotten angry, I have cried. No matter who buys the contract they are simply out their $9 grand. Frankly at this point I really have nothing more I can do and no longer care.
REMEMBER NEVER CALL your parent's creditors when there is a balance that can not be paid after they die or develop Alzheimer's. WHY? Because the creditors will never leave you alone.
Sigh!
I hope you in blogland have found ways to cope with the "side bars" you know all the things that you would not think would come up once your loved one is no longer working with a full deck. This horrid disease plays havoc with our loved one who has the disease as well as those of us who do our best to take care of the many events that happen.
Deep breathe and say a prayer. God Bless you all!!!!
Just as I was about to go to sleep my dear friend's 80 year old mother Eileen called, she sang happy birthday to me and I cried!!!!
Is it worse when your parent is gone? Will I STILL CRY FOR WHAT MY MOM MISSES WHEN SHE IS WITH THE LORD?
Then out of the blue in the mail on Saturday an envelope arrived from a new collection agency addressed to my mother. This company had purchased her debt from HSBC of 9 grand and wanted to be paid ASAP! Now the phone calls have started again. I have explained until I am blue in the face that there is no money, that Daddy has been deceased for over 3 years and that my mother lives in a world that no one can get to anymore. I have sent copies of my POA and other papers, I have gotten angry, I have cried. No matter who buys the contract they are simply out their $9 grand. Frankly at this point I really have nothing more I can do and no longer care.
REMEMBER NEVER CALL your parent's creditors when there is a balance that can not be paid after they die or develop Alzheimer's. WHY? Because the creditors will never leave you alone.
Sigh!
I hope you in blogland have found ways to cope with the "side bars" you know all the things that you would not think would come up once your loved one is no longer working with a full deck. This horrid disease plays havoc with our loved one who has the disease as well as those of us who do our best to take care of the many events that happen.
Deep breathe and say a prayer. God Bless you all!!!!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
PS
I really would like to know how you in blogland are coping especially since I feel very much like I am on the old wooden roller coster ride! If you do not want to make that public my email address is butrflyjewels@gmail.com. Thanks so much and God Bless, Jewels
thinking
Today makes 78 days until Christmas, 32 months Mom has been in the nursing home and 37 months since Daddy died. The guilt of not seeing Mom in almost 2 years comes and goes .For me I find the lack of contact with my Mother has given me a mixed bag of emotions. IT is rougher as the Holidays grow closer. Then I stop and remind myself this has become a waiting game. Waiting for her body to not wake up because her brain, from what I am told, has all but quieted to a low hum. Sounds cold and heartless, I am sure.
My nephew-in-law's father who developed Alzheimer's just 2 1/2 years ago passed away 3 months ago. Ryan and his family were not prepared for the nasty affects of Alzheimer's. He became like my Mom mean spirited compared to others who are funny, and still sweet. Ryan has a big Irish Catholic family and because of that they all took turns and kept his Dad at home even to the bitter end. I think for some being able to do that lessens the guilt of the emotions that this horrid disease brings out in the patient and the caregiver.
I have so many family and close friends whose parents have recently left this world in the last 3 years. I have not had the courage to ask them if there is peace in the passing or more guilt!
May I ask you in blogland? Where are you all when it comes to peace of mind or endless guilt? Or somewhere in between???
My nephew-in-law's father who developed Alzheimer's just 2 1/2 years ago passed away 3 months ago. Ryan and his family were not prepared for the nasty affects of Alzheimer's. He became like my Mom mean spirited compared to others who are funny, and still sweet. Ryan has a big Irish Catholic family and because of that they all took turns and kept his Dad at home even to the bitter end. I think for some being able to do that lessens the guilt of the emotions that this horrid disease brings out in the patient and the caregiver.
I have so many family and close friends whose parents have recently left this world in the last 3 years. I have not had the courage to ask them if there is peace in the passing or more guilt!
May I ask you in blogland? Where are you all when it comes to peace of mind or endless guilt? Or somewhere in between???
Friday, September 21, 2012
Such a gift....
With my Mother being in a different "World" full time that leaves a big hole in my heart and life. As time moves forward the bad times, the mean words have been replaced with a few really sweet memories.
God knows our hearts and fills our needs in ways that are a surprise. My friend Deb's mother has been not only a Grandma to Heather but a mother to me.
Recently my Pastors mother-in-law has once again come out from AZ. I can't tell you what there is about this lovely lady named, Betty; but, when I am around her all I want to do is cry. Not sad tears but tears of deep love. She treats me as her daughter in the best of ways. We went to 5 Guys for lunch yesterday and spent 2 hours just talking. No topic was off limits and I felt not only feed physically but my soul and heart felt filled too.
She returns to her home state Saturday I will miss her terribly! She is just a phone call, Facebook or snail mail away and there is comfort in knowing that she truly loves me without judgement.
She is NOT my mother. God has brought peace to my soul and sent fit to send 2 loving women into my physical life that help heal the deep hole left by Mother and her Alzheimer's.
I hope you in Blogland have found peace through your faith whatever that may be and from someone to physically give you hugs and love to fill the hole this HORRID disease leaves.
God knows our hearts and fills our needs in ways that are a surprise. My friend Deb's mother has been not only a Grandma to Heather but a mother to me.
Recently my Pastors mother-in-law has once again come out from AZ. I can't tell you what there is about this lovely lady named, Betty; but, when I am around her all I want to do is cry. Not sad tears but tears of deep love. She treats me as her daughter in the best of ways. We went to 5 Guys for lunch yesterday and spent 2 hours just talking. No topic was off limits and I felt not only feed physically but my soul and heart felt filled too.
She returns to her home state Saturday I will miss her terribly! She is just a phone call, Facebook or snail mail away and there is comfort in knowing that she truly loves me without judgement.
She is NOT my mother. God has brought peace to my soul and sent fit to send 2 loving women into my physical life that help heal the deep hole left by Mother and her Alzheimer's.
I hope you in Blogland have found peace through your faith whatever that may be and from someone to physically give you hugs and love to fill the hole this HORRID disease leaves.
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