It has been very quiet here in blogland. No comments from anyone and not a whole lot of new posts. For me it is simply the rest of my life has been very very busy.
I have called the nursing home and left several messages with Mom's Social worker but she has not returned my calls. I would like to speak with my mother's psychiatrist that has not occurred.I am hanging on to "no news is good news".
There was Grandparents day at Heather's school the other day. My sweetie just cried knowing she has a Grandma 18 miles away but that that Grandma is not able to attend any functions. Heather knows it is the Alzheimer's sadly that does not make it easier for my 10 year old. Why would it? It doesn't make it easy for any of us grown-ups.
I had a dream about Mom passing the other night. It was very surreal, oddly I was very calm. I wonder if that is how it will be.
I hope you are all having good days with your loved ones.
Summer is almost here I wonder what that will bring.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
flowers
Tell me what is worse, the death of a beloved parent,the living parent who never says anything positive to you or the mother who has Alzheimer's and "hates" you?
A Spring bouquet of yellow flowers with several yellow rose will arrive for my Mother for Mother's Day Friday. The card just says, "You are Loved." I don't dare sign the card.
I hate this! I am sorry to complain it just hurts so much. I realized today that I really am not angry any more I am not waiting for an apology that will never come. The really bad times are packed away in box buried in the depths of my mind and soul. I do love her and I want her back, I want the good times. I want the kids to have fun with their grandma. I want to take her shopping and out to lunch.
It's NOT FAIR! I want her back WHOLE! ALZHEIMER'S IS BEYOND HORRID!
A Spring bouquet of yellow flowers with several yellow rose will arrive for my Mother for Mother's Day Friday. The card just says, "You are Loved." I don't dare sign the card.
I hate this! I am sorry to complain it just hurts so much. I realized today that I really am not angry any more I am not waiting for an apology that will never come. The really bad times are packed away in box buried in the depths of my mind and soul. I do love her and I want her back, I want the good times. I want the kids to have fun with their grandma. I want to take her shopping and out to lunch.
It's NOT FAIR! I want her back WHOLE! ALZHEIMER'S IS BEYOND HORRID!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
May 1st...
On Monday (2nd) it is meet the candidate night. I am running for the Board of Education.My parents had spent a life time active in local politics. IF life was how I planned, even with Daddy being gone, Mom would be right in the middle helping me hand out flyers, helping me decide what to wear. When things were good between us she would refer to me as her "babygirl" no matter what age I was at the time, I miss that.
Tomorrow night she would be right by my side; milling around telling everyone how her"babygirl" would do a great job.
BUT the letter I sent her telling her I was running she tore up and she asked the staff to send it back to me...another reason to hate Alzheimer's!
Next Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't cook dinner on Mother's Day so we will go out.
Rachel and Dan will be over, Joe too most likely . Heather has no choice since she is only 10. Todd will be with Jen and his Mother. Stewart and Carolyn live in Buffalo now so at $4 plus a gallon I'll most likely get a phone call maybe a card but no visit.
If this world was a Norman Rockwell painting. We would all have dinner at my favorite restaurant and my Mother would be right in the middle of it all. She would get mushy cards and flowers lots of hugs and kisses and we would sit around, eat good food tell silly stories and just enjoy each others company.
That is not going to happen.
Mother's Day for my Mother will be just another day in the nursing home.The kids may or may not send cards. Heather will send a card, I will send flowers, no signature. She continues her hate for me and not going to see her is at the request of....you know I have told you all before...
How are you all doing in BLOGLAND? Will it be easier when she passes? I wonder is there relief or guilt? For the moment just sadness.
Tomorrow night she would be right by my side; milling around telling everyone how her"babygirl" would do a great job.
BUT the letter I sent her telling her I was running she tore up and she asked the staff to send it back to me...another reason to hate Alzheimer's!
Next Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't cook dinner on Mother's Day so we will go out.
Rachel and Dan will be over, Joe too most likely . Heather has no choice since she is only 10. Todd will be with Jen and his Mother. Stewart and Carolyn live in Buffalo now so at $4 plus a gallon I'll most likely get a phone call maybe a card but no visit.
If this world was a Norman Rockwell painting. We would all have dinner at my favorite restaurant and my Mother would be right in the middle of it all. She would get mushy cards and flowers lots of hugs and kisses and we would sit around, eat good food tell silly stories and just enjoy each others company.
That is not going to happen.
Mother's Day for my Mother will be just another day in the nursing home.The kids may or may not send cards. Heather will send a card, I will send flowers, no signature. She continues her hate for me and not going to see her is at the request of....you know I have told you all before...
How are you all doing in BLOGLAND? Will it be easier when she passes? I wonder is there relief or guilt? For the moment just sadness.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
ok now
While sewing the nightgowns I actually asked the Lord to take Mom home so I would not have to deal with all this anymore. That made me feel guilty beyond belief.
I brought my friend Sami with me to the nursing home.Her mother passed away last year. By time she died her Mother had no clue who Sami was if anyone understands the hurt, the pain the sadness it is Sami.
We arrived to a packed parking lot; lots of grandkids going to see the grandparents. I quietly walked in and gave the goodies to her social worker, walked out crying. I was pretty much a mess emotionally on Friday.
Our Pastor was raised in the Jewish faith, he converted to Christianity when he was 18. Every Good Friday he does a Passover dinner for our congregation and many Churches connecting the traditions of the Jewish faith with the New Testament.
I really did NOT want to attend I just wanted to stay home and cry. I went and I am so glad that I did.
I don't know about the rest of you who read this for me, as rough as this gets which is pretty bad sometimes my faith in God, the support from family and friends are the only thing that gets me through day after day.
I am okay now, for the moment. I remind myself Mom is still in the nursing home, she still has Alzheimer's she still doesn't want to see me. But with that in mind today as I write I am at peace.
I promised Daddy I would take care of her and I am. Beverly is in a Christian nursing home with a qualified staff that take excellent care of her. I pay her bills and supply all her extras and pray for her every day. She is safe.
I know in my heart when I see God and my Daddy they will be happy at the way I have handled this nasty situation.
I am not great at where different Scriptures are by any means but it occurred to me when the Apostles asked Christ, "When did we feed you, When did we clothe you etc. His response was, "When you do this to the least of my Brethren you do this to Me." That is how it is with my mother, when I remind myself that God loves her too I can do this for Him by taking care of her.
I brought my friend Sami with me to the nursing home.Her mother passed away last year. By time she died her Mother had no clue who Sami was if anyone understands the hurt, the pain the sadness it is Sami.
We arrived to a packed parking lot; lots of grandkids going to see the grandparents. I quietly walked in and gave the goodies to her social worker, walked out crying. I was pretty much a mess emotionally on Friday.
Our Pastor was raised in the Jewish faith, he converted to Christianity when he was 18. Every Good Friday he does a Passover dinner for our congregation and many Churches connecting the traditions of the Jewish faith with the New Testament.
I really did NOT want to attend I just wanted to stay home and cry. I went and I am so glad that I did.
I don't know about the rest of you who read this for me, as rough as this gets which is pretty bad sometimes my faith in God, the support from family and friends are the only thing that gets me through day after day.
I am okay now, for the moment. I remind myself Mom is still in the nursing home, she still has Alzheimer's she still doesn't want to see me. But with that in mind today as I write I am at peace.
I promised Daddy I would take care of her and I am. Beverly is in a Christian nursing home with a qualified staff that take excellent care of her. I pay her bills and supply all her extras and pray for her every day. She is safe.
I know in my heart when I see God and my Daddy they will be happy at the way I have handled this nasty situation.
I am not great at where different Scriptures are by any means but it occurred to me when the Apostles asked Christ, "When did we feed you, When did we clothe you etc. His response was, "When you do this to the least of my Brethren you do this to Me." That is how it is with my mother, when I remind myself that God loves her too I can do this for Him by taking care of her.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Happy Birthday Mom
Happy Birthday Mom. The 2 nightgowns I made for you. The Easter basket Heather did and the roses are from all of us. I hope you enjoy your day.I do love you and I have to believe under the anger you love me too.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Palm Sunday
My Mother worked 2 jobs, she was off Wednesday and Sunday. On Sundays she would drop me off at Mass then go grocery shopping and pick me up after wards. EXCEPT Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday, Easter and Christmas that is when we would go together. Those were the times we would get all dressed up she would wear a cool hat that matched her bag and shoes and I would wear a white mantilla and the Sunday best dress. After we went to Mass we would go out to breakfast other times we would come home and have brunch.
As we left Daddy would always say,"Ladies you look lovely, say Hi to God for me." Daddy wasn't Catholic so he enjoyed the quiet, sitting in his recliner drinking coffee, smoking, reading the Sunday paper and looking at the TV watching "Face the Nation and Meet the Press."
When I moved Mom into the nursing home I brought her Crucifix which she had forever and a dried up palm branch....
I just called the home. I spoke to Cindy the charge nurse to suggest that perhaps Mom would like to go to Mass. Then I asked her if Mother had enjoyed the letter I had written which was a very nice nuetral newsletter mostly about the grandkids. Cindy told me Mom wanted her to return the letter to me. She wants nothing to do with me.
You would think after all the pain the angry words between us these past 2 years it would be a great feeling of relief. She has told the staff she no longer wants to see me or hear from me. That hurts so much!!!
I received a call from the nursing home the other day with a list of items Mom needs again. I'll take care of it because as we all know that's what we do, we are good sons and daughters even when our parents say they hate us. God, I hate ALZHEIMER'S!
As we left Daddy would always say,"Ladies you look lovely, say Hi to God for me." Daddy wasn't Catholic so he enjoyed the quiet, sitting in his recliner drinking coffee, smoking, reading the Sunday paper and looking at the TV watching "Face the Nation and Meet the Press."
When I moved Mom into the nursing home I brought her Crucifix which she had forever and a dried up palm branch....
I just called the home. I spoke to Cindy the charge nurse to suggest that perhaps Mom would like to go to Mass. Then I asked her if Mother had enjoyed the letter I had written which was a very nice nuetral newsletter mostly about the grandkids. Cindy told me Mom wanted her to return the letter to me. She wants nothing to do with me.
You would think after all the pain the angry words between us these past 2 years it would be a great feeling of relief. She has told the staff she no longer wants to see me or hear from me. That hurts so much!!!
I received a call from the nursing home the other day with a list of items Mom needs again. I'll take care of it because as we all know that's what we do, we are good sons and daughters even when our parents say they hate us. God, I hate ALZHEIMER'S!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Some quiet time
Brad and Heather are enjoying the 55 degrees here in upstate NY. they went bike riding.
I am having an off day nothing to do with Alzheimer's really but then again everything to do with the loss of comminication with my mother because of this horrid disease...most of thetime I would call AZ. and Mom would answer we would speak briiefly and then she would hand the phone to Daddy We would talk for a long time then folow up with an email. emails wee a daily thing then a few days later I would call and the loop would continue.Boy do I miss those phone calls.
This past week there have been the usual family crisis nothing big just life stuff. There is no Mom and Dad to talk to anymore the older i got the more I appreciated their wisdom.
Mom will turn 86 on Good Friday this year. Once in a great while her birthday falls on Easter or Easter falls on her birthday whichever it doesn't matter now. I just checked in 1962,1973,1984 and then again in 2052. There is a picture of the kids and I with her on Easter Sunday her birthday in 1984, I have to dig it out of the trunk.
Her years of wisdom are locked away now, her memory is shrinking and sadly I am not a part of her world. Funny when we fought and disagreed I would think how great it would be if she would just disappear and leave me with Daddy.
I was wrong! As abusive and bad as it was at least she was mentally here. There is no Daddy now and I would give anything for even one argument so we could make up and go shopping or watch an old movie.The farther Mom goes away inside herself the more I would give for just one of those fights and then the time pleasant moments that followed.
I am having an off day nothing to do with Alzheimer's really but then again everything to do with the loss of comminication with my mother because of this horrid disease...most of thetime I would call AZ. and Mom would answer we would speak briiefly and then she would hand the phone to Daddy We would talk for a long time then folow up with an email. emails wee a daily thing then a few days later I would call and the loop would continue.Boy do I miss those phone calls.
This past week there have been the usual family crisis nothing big just life stuff. There is no Mom and Dad to talk to anymore the older i got the more I appreciated their wisdom.
Mom will turn 86 on Good Friday this year. Once in a great while her birthday falls on Easter or Easter falls on her birthday whichever it doesn't matter now. I just checked in 1962,1973,1984 and then again in 2052. There is a picture of the kids and I with her on Easter Sunday her birthday in 1984, I have to dig it out of the trunk.
Her years of wisdom are locked away now, her memory is shrinking and sadly I am not a part of her world. Funny when we fought and disagreed I would think how great it would be if she would just disappear and leave me with Daddy.
I was wrong! As abusive and bad as it was at least she was mentally here. There is no Daddy now and I would give anything for even one argument so we could make up and go shopping or watch an old movie.The farther Mom goes away inside herself the more I would give for just one of those fights and then the time pleasant moments that followed.
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