Friday, April 16, 2010

On vacation

I reside in upstate NY but for the next 6 days I am in my home state of Southern California. Brad, Heather, Rachel and I flew in Thursday for a wedding and are staying with my "sister" of choice, Krissy. We have been friend for almost 50 years.
As I was getting ready to head out I realized I had to call the nursing home to make sure, God forbid, if anything happened to my mother while I was on the opposite side of the country that someone could take care of things.
I could not get hold Joe the oldest. That left Stewart, I called him and he is fine with be my fill in.
Odd the last time I flew into LAX was to go to Az. and bury my Dad and pick up Mother to bring to back to NY with me. Every time I think I will be okay with his death and Mother's Alzheimer's I realize my heart breaks.
My Dad's ashes are here at Krissy's home waiting for us to take him to San Diego so he can be buried at sea. Seeing his remains in the putter container has made me very sad and very reflective. Daddy was the best part of my life from the time I was 10 years old until when he left us last July.
Now I am left the dreams mostly they are rehashed events with my mother. Don't get me wrong there were some sweet times but she was pretty negative I was never smart enough, thin enough pretty get the drift.
I have spent my parenting years doing my best to let my children know they are MORE than enough. Each one has gifts and talents and I would like them and love them even if I had not been their Mom. When I have been angry or "short" or as the first 3 have become adults I have stepped over the boundaries I have not hesitated to apologize for being wrong.
When I reflect on my childhood with Beverly and the situations that she put be in that led to me being sexually abused etc. I realize I deep inside always thought just maybe she would say she was sorry.
That will never happen now. There are times when I know I have forgiven her but every once in awhile I think to myself,"what would it have been like to have a Mommy that ws always there and nurturing instead of a Mother whoprovided a home and food but no emotional supoport. A woman who could be "Donna Reed" to late now; I will be 60 in a few months. My past with Beverly can not be changed and the future is grim. I need to come to terms with the fact that who I am is because of what happened to me. There was no Donna Reed Mommy in my childhood.
I had a fill in Mommy for the last 7 years , sadly she just past. I often wondered what it would have been like to be raised by her...
Blogs I think are for the writers more than the readers so forgive me for going on and on. Others have gotten up so we must get ready for the day and the wedding events.

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