Friday, April 23, 2010

Praise The LORD!

IT took every bit of courage to drive to my mother's nursing home yesterday to celebrate her 85th birthday . I bought her yellow roses picked up a dear friend and off Debbie and went. We prayed in the parking lot that Mother would be in a good place to see me.
When we walked in the lobby I asked the receptionist to call Beverly's floor. She did. The nurses told her to send me up. The walk to the elevator and the ride up 2 floors had my stomach in knots.
When the elevator door opened I saw my Mom the same time she saw me. She jumped and "ran" ( as much as an 85 year old woman can) to me," hugged me, told me she loved and that she missed me. We spent the next hour holding hands and talking about silly things.
We kissed good bye and I told her I would be back the next week. I thanked the nurses for their care of my mother and they all had tears in their eyes.
The Lord really worked a miracle!
Just so you know I am well aware that this may or may NOT happen next time but for now I hold the visit close to my heart and Praise God for this gift!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Beverly's Birthday today

For as long as I can remember Daddy and I made sure one of us gave my mother yellow roses on her birthday. When I was very little we lived around the corner from a flower shop. I would take my change from soda cans and buy one yellow rose for Mom.
My sons have told me again my name brings out the worse in her.
I just called the nursing home and was told it would be better not to see her today. So why does that hurt so much? She has been a less than great parent all my life. She treats me like I have no value so why should I be in tears that she does not want a visit?
My lovely niece got married Saturday. Ryan, her new husband is great as are the members of his family. Sadly his 68 year old Dad has recently been diagnosed with this horrible disease. We spoke briefly about his Dad getting better and I had to tell him the honest truth that is is a one way path to hell.
Every time I have to deal with something to do with this disease and my mother my stomach hurts and I shake!
I guess that is why I call this blog, "Alzheimer's is HORRID!" because it is!

Friday, April 16, 2010

On vacation

I reside in upstate NY but for the next 6 days I am in my home state of Southern California. Brad, Heather, Rachel and I flew in Thursday for a wedding and are staying with my "sister" of choice, Krissy. We have been friend for almost 50 years.
As I was getting ready to head out I realized I had to call the nursing home to make sure, God forbid, if anything happened to my mother while I was on the opposite side of the country that someone could take care of things.
I could not get hold Joe the oldest. That left Stewart, I called him and he is fine with be my fill in.
Odd the last time I flew into LAX was to go to Az. and bury my Dad and pick up Mother to bring to back to NY with me. Every time I think I will be okay with his death and Mother's Alzheimer's I realize my heart breaks.
My Dad's ashes are here at Krissy's home waiting for us to take him to San Diego so he can be buried at sea. Seeing his remains in the putter container has made me very sad and very reflective. Daddy was the best part of my life from the time I was 10 years old until when he left us last July.
Now I am left the dreams mostly they are rehashed events with my mother. Don't get me wrong there were some sweet times but she was pretty negative I was never smart enough, thin enough pretty get the drift.
I have spent my parenting years doing my best to let my children know they are MORE than enough. Each one has gifts and talents and I would like them and love them even if I had not been their Mom. When I have been angry or "short" or as the first 3 have become adults I have stepped over the boundaries I have not hesitated to apologize for being wrong.
When I reflect on my childhood with Beverly and the situations that she put be in that led to me being sexually abused etc. I realize I deep inside always thought just maybe she would say she was sorry.
That will never happen now. There are times when I know I have forgiven her but every once in awhile I think to myself,"what would it have been like to have a Mommy that ws always there and nurturing instead of a Mother whoprovided a home and food but no emotional supoport. A woman who could be "Donna Reed" to late now; I will be 60 in a few months. My past with Beverly can not be changed and the future is grim. I need to come to terms with the fact that who I am is because of what happened to me. There was no Donna Reed Mommy in my childhood.
I had a fill in Mommy for the last 7 years , sadly she just past. I often wondered what it would have been like to be raised by her...
Blogs I think are for the writers more than the readers so forgive me for going on and on. Others have gotten up so we must get ready for the day and the wedding events.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

her birthday

April 22 nd will be Mother's first birthday without my Daddy in 50 years. Since she seems to be okay with my sons I am hoping they will meet me at the nursing home to take her out to lunch. It is odd not hearing form her or seeing her. But when she was in AZ. with Daddy it was him who I emailed every day and spoke with 3 times a week. My mother would get on the phone and say hi then hand it to Daddy.I would fly from NY to Az. about every 16 months and after just 3 days I was a wreck . Mother has always "torn" me apart verbally. This isn't to much different just Daddy's not around to run interference. I am finding that there are many others with parents, mostly Mom's , who have this horrid disease.
Joe said last visit Mother was "happy" and didn't cry. Her meds have been changed so maybe she will be okay with seeing me.... sigh

Monday, April 5, 2010

another holiday without....

Friday Rachel and I went to Ma. to one of the greatest fabric stores on the east coast. to pick out fabric for her bridesmaids and flower girl. Again a few years ago my mother would have joined for that then lunch. the mourning process is so hard..
I cried part of Saturday no Mom no Daddy.
You know it is hard enough not having Daddy around but Sunday all the kids were here for dinner and an Easter egg hunt. I wish I could have had my Mother here but I didn't dare not knowing what would come out of her mouth.
Joe got copies of "Still Alice" for myself and the other kids, Heather my 9 year old is reading it now? IT is an easy read only took about 4 hours but it is so sad and boy could I relate to the husband. If you haven't read it, find a copy. goes on there are so many other things to think about but no matter how focused I am on the Lord or the other parts of my family Mother and her Alzheimer's is always in the back of my mind.
Does that ever change....