Thursday, October 28, 2010

the visit was sweet

Feeling charged and at peace after the retreat Tuesday I woke up and the Lord let me know it was time to visit. I had not seen Beverly since her attack on my sweet Heather. I prayed all the way down.
When I arrive and Mom is sitting in the "common area" it is much more likely that our visit will be okay. EVERY time I visit in her room it turns NASTY! So guess what? No Mother in the "common area." I took a deep breathe and headed down her hall, which oddly enough is called Harmony Lane.
She saw me she actually greeted me with a smile and kiss. Our visit was sweet only briefly did she start about being in prison but she stopped herself. I just kept talking about something else.
I kept it short we spoke about nothing really; it is the safest. I don't bring up anything of consequence or any subject that might bring on a fit of anger. I kissed her goodbye told I would see her soon.
Now you would think because the visit was sweet I would be happy. No, that little voice, call in "the Enemy" or whatever you want started the moment I got into my car. IT said," The boys are right you should have kept her at home, Why is she in the nursing home? She is so sweet. You are a horrible daughter!" get the drift.
My mother is in the nursing home because she is in level 2 in the middle; there are 2 views of this Horrid disease 1-3 or 1-7 grading. It is eating her brain and I never know what will be her next word or action will be.
My heart breaks. I KNOW this is where she belongs....but.....this is not how it was supposed to be in her last days...and that is when the tears begin again and again.....

Monday, October 25, 2010


This past weekend I went to a retreat with the ladies from my Church.The past with my mother was anything but Donna Reed. When I admitted the other day to blogland and myself that part of the pain was accepting that I wish the Lord had taken my mother instead of my Daddy last year.
That being said, this weekend for me was a hoping to find a way to come to peace with the past and my mother.
Several things happened that worked on the healing of my heart and soul. After lunch on Saturday a few of us went swimming, we talked about our daughters and body issues general stuff and then our mothers not specifics but the general events that were painful. One of the women also had a mother with Alzheimer's; it was good to face someone who understood the anger and the depth of the sadness that this disease brings to each of us. We spoke of the words our mothers can say that cut us to the core.
It really doesn't matter that the disease aggravates the personality the words still hurt. Again there is comfort knowing one is not alone in this situation.
After a prayer meeting we broke into groups, my little group shared how at one retreat it was suggested that everyone write what their hurt, anger, frustration etc was then place that in a bag and leave it a the foot of a cross that was at the retreat.
Later Saturday night one of my roommates and I talked for 3 hours I did a lot of crying. the depth of the conversation was more intense than I had ever done mostly about how ...well that doesn't matter. I then wrote a letter tore it up into tiny peaces and left it at the retreat. I feel at peace now. I actually want to see Mom. I know she will still attack me, I know that sooner or later she will forget who I am. But for now for the moment my heart is at peace. Praise the Lord! John 16 vs 33:"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.In the world you shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

Friday, October 15, 2010

thinking about

It seems to me that as my birthday gets closer and then Thanksgiving then Christmas my heart and mind are at war. Having a birthday on Halloween is not easy when you are little , kids don't want to come to a party and miss trick or treating. There were a few parties some were full of kids other s just a few. This year I turn 60 so I am throwing myself a party!
The other holidays are being figured out but the sad part is Mom will not be staying here like last year. OF course last year was the first time she was here in 24 years.
I spoke with a friend today about his anger, how giving it to God is the right thing BUT that it doesn't take much to get angry all over again. Then you give it to God again and again and again. So now I am thinking it really isn't anger anymore it is a profound sadness. Of what was supposed to be as my parents years passed by.
I waited and begged year after year for them to fly back here to the east coast. We all offered to pay their way but it just didn't happen there was always a reason and now it is to late.
Mother and I have moments maybe even 40 minutes before it gets nasty. I remind myself over and over again I at least have her here. Several of my friends and my sweet husband have buried their mothers. How will I feel when she checks out of this world? Where will she go? She says now she hates God.. I hope that is the disease and not the truth. I wonder when the peace comes and when does it stay. I told a friend there are weeks when I am not sad or angry but I think that is a lie I tell myself because I don't want to feel the depth of dis pare that this horrid disease has brought into my life.
When she and Daddy were in Az. and I would visit it was hmmm.. no real words perhaps it was safe. Safe in feeling they were going to die in each others arms and I would become an adult orphan life many of my friends. There would be a simple funeral and I would sort through there stuff and move on with my life. NO didn't happen that way..No gentleness just loss not only of the world's best Daddy but the loss of ever having a chance to find a peace with MOM.
What is there to say when your only parent can no longer be part of the family gatherings. Why when hurtful things come out of that person's mouth do you have to right it off, "it's just the Alzheimer's talking!" I want to swear so loudly I want to scream...I want it over...forgive me but that is the awful secret that I have never admitted to before this second..I want it over now. I am tired and sad and crying again.

Friday, October 8, 2010

forgive my typos

Hi there, I am so strung out when I write here in blogland that I do not take the time to prof my writings sorry about the typos. The last post was actually an email I sent to my sons I copied and pasted but after I posted and read the final post I realized I had not changed some of the wording.. Anyway so sorry... This situation just makes me crazy!

She was just nasty!

Joe couldn't come as planne dfor the dinner with Mom last night. I do understand work and supporting his family comes first. I brought my friend Samantha along. There was a little more traffic going south on 50 than I expected so we were a few minutes late .
Beverly's mean spirit immediately started by telling Heather she didn't like what she was wearing and why was she wearing something so strange. Heather fought back the tears and she told your Grandma that it was the dress she wore in her cousins wedding and that she had gotten dressed up for her (meaning Grandma Carey). Sami and I told Heather to spin around so Mom could see how cool the skirt is....Mom smiled and stopped her nastiness UNTIL...
We got in the car and Mom started in on me... Why did I have her car? How she hates the prison, Why is she there etc. I went about 10 feet, stopped the car and informed my Mother that I was not going to listen to her attack me so she had 2 choices she could be nice to me or she could go back to her room.
She swore under breathe and said, "I guess I have no choice, I'll be nice." I realize she does not do this shit around my sons, or Rachel nor most other people BUT i seem to be fair game, this is why I am a wreck after most visits!
Rachel arrived a few minutes after we did to the diner.
Mom had a drink and for the next 90 minutes she just "looped" about a variety of subjects.
I saw her 2 times this week.. I am done for a few. I hope and pray her mental state which is like her Mother's during her Alzheimer's in NOT MY path!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

another visit ...

Off Sami and I went to see the Mom...I stopped and got her black coffee and 2 chocolate donuts from good ol' Dunkin' Donuts. Mom was sitting on her bed just staring off into no where when we arrived. I explained I needed to do an inventory of her clothes before the snow flies and she and Sami headed for the lounge. How can a space that is 10x12 get so filled and so cluttered???
I had once again been called about the disappearance of cotton panties. I went through every drawer and found all but 2 pairs which I assume were in the laundry. I then tagged each drawer with the contents so Mom would know (hopefully ) where to place her clothes. I know the laundry does not have time to do laundry like I do at home but several of her white undies were gray.SIGH!
This woman once ran the OR of one of the biggest hospitals in Southern California. On some level this all must bother her. Or does it? It certainly plays havoc on my soul and heart. I came home and sobbed and was in major dis pare for the rest of the day.
Joe, Rachel, heather and I are all over our colds so IF nothing gets in the way we are taking her out for Chinese dinner on Thursday.
There are 78 days until Christmas I am dreaded them when it comes to Mom. I miss Daddy and I miss her.

Friday, October 1, 2010

who is?????

Sigh....another call from the nursing home telling me Mother cotton incontinent panties have disappeared again.. What or who can be taking her undies??? Plus there is a shopping day put on by Marshall's and TJMax's and her aides' have said she has gained weight and needs new cloths but hey where is the money supposed to come from to pay for the items??? They take every penny every month...I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be her mother I have been stuck in that roll since I was 3 years old!!! I hate how guilty I feel at least I still have my mother well I have her shell....I hate the fact that Daddy died first. Life is not always easy...