Sunday, May 30, 2010

don't ask

I just spoke with Joe about stuff nothing really important. It didn't take long to ask about if I had seen his Grandma. HE hadn't seen her since her birthday nor had I. Stewart hasn't been by either and he and his wife are getting ready to move so he will not be visiting much more. Rachel and I were there on Thursday doing paper work but just could not work up the "muster" to see her. Damn do I feel like a crap daughter.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

last of the ...

I am superstitious. I just gave the nursing home what appears to be the last of the paperwork for my mother's pension transfers. We shall see if that is true or not. I just could not make myself go up to see her....I feel so guilty my future son in law and my oldest daughter are at the hospital and his mother's bedside every day and has been for almost 4 weeks waiting, watching her slowly die. I can't even muster the courage to see my own mother. Life's a bitch sometimes!!!!
I wonder how she feels does she even know we have not been there ? Does she miss us? IS she sad? Who knows ...

Friday, May 21, 2010


My wonderful Daddy worked all his life as did my mother. Now that he is passed and she is in a nursing home it has taken hours upon hours to get the funds transfered to the nursing home. I can't tell you how many hours I have been on hold and transfered or the number of copies of my POA have been faxed. The social security check was one lone piece of paper but private and military pensions of my goodness!!! Getting mother her medicaid number took almost 4 months. I am greatly relieved that has finally been achieved because getting invoices for over $40,000 from her nursing home was a little scary!
Supposedly I will be receiving forms from the military and Daddy private pension within the next 10 business days. Then just one lone trip to the nursing home for accounting and myself to sign and that part will be over. We shall see....

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


IT is sad to say that there are days when I don't think of my mother. I always think of Daddy.
I had surgery on April 29th and I felt like the biggest baby. I so missed my parents being there when I woke up. The pink roses Daddy would have had waiting for me. Mom talking to the doctor and nurses making sure they had done a good job. I sent her a mother's day card so did Heather. I did not call. I have not got back to see her since her birthday the 22 nd of April. I really really hate this disease. I am affraid of who she will be when I go again. So I don't go I don't call then I justify my like of visits by her poor mother behavior when I was a kid. it is an endless circle of quilt and sadness. My middle son wants to know why she is there and not in an Assisted living place where she has more freedom. I again have to explain about this horrible disease and the the Grandma he knew when he was little is no longer around. I won't be able to drive for several more weeks that is my excuse for now, oh there are people who would be glad to take me but..But I just can't make myself go.....yep Alzheimer's is horrid for everyone!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

cried in preop

Rotor cuff surgery is not major stuff Buy the healing can take 12 weeks. no driving for 4 weeks at least and this stupid black sling for at least 4 weeks. This was my 13th surgery. I cried while in pre-op...why? For the first time I have no parents to tell me it would be okay . No pink roses waiting for me when I woke signed, "Kid, we love you,get well soon, WCD." Death took Daddy 8 months ago and the Alzheimer's has it's horrible hold on Beverly.
I haven't seen my mother since the good visit on her birthday last month. I am afraid that it will be another nasty one.. So I am holding onto the sweetness of last time.
My son Stewart has decided to go to law school, he is almost 33, he has not been in college since he received his BS in 2000. He and Carolyn will be leaving the area I'll miss them and that will make Mom's world smaller, another loss. Joe and Stewart take her out to dinner every other week. It has become part of her routine. Maybe I'll go the summer.
I miss my parents mostly Daddy, having both parents a live at my age 59 was uncommon. Now wherever I go I run into someone else who has one deceased parent and one with Azheimer's. we are a growing number! and we all agree Alzheimer's is horrid!