Saturday, May 28, 2011

no word

It has been very quiet here in blogland. No comments from anyone and not a whole lot of new posts. For me it is simply the rest of my life has been very very busy.
I have called the nursing home and left several messages with Mom's Social worker but she has not returned my calls. I would like to speak with my mother's psychiatrist that has not occurred.I am hanging on to "no news is good news".
There was Grandparents day at Heather's school the other day. My sweetie just cried knowing she has a Grandma 18 miles away but that that Grandma is not able to attend any functions. Heather knows it is the Alzheimer's sadly that does not make it easier for my 10 year old. Why would it? It doesn't make it easy for any of us grown-ups.
I had a dream about Mom passing the other night. It was very surreal, oddly I was very calm. I wonder if that is how it will be.
I hope you are all having good days with your loved ones.
Summer is almost here I wonder what that will bring.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


Tell me what is worse, the death of a beloved parent,the living parent who never says anything positive to you or the mother who has Alzheimer's and "hates" you?
A Spring bouquet of yellow flowers with several yellow rose will arrive for my Mother for Mother's Day Friday. The card just says, "You are Loved." I don't dare sign the card.
I hate this! I am sorry to complain it just hurts so much. I realized today that I really am not angry any more I am not waiting for an apology that will never come. The really bad times are packed away in box buried in the depths of my mind and soul. I do love her and I want her back, I want the good times. I want the kids to have fun with their grandma. I want to take her shopping and out to lunch.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

May 1st...

On Monday (2nd) it is meet the candidate night. I am running for the Board of Education.My parents had spent a life time active in local politics. IF life was how I planned, even with Daddy being gone, Mom would be right in the middle helping me hand out flyers, helping me decide what to wear. When things were good between us she would refer to me as her "babygirl" no matter what age I was at the time, I miss that.
Tomorrow night she would be right by my side; milling around telling everyone how her"babygirl" would do a great job.
BUT the letter I sent her telling her I was running she tore up and she asked the staff to send it back to me...another reason to hate Alzheimer's!
Next Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't cook dinner on Mother's Day so we will go out.
Rachel and Dan will be over, Joe too most likely . Heather has no choice since she is only 10. Todd will be with Jen and his Mother. Stewart and Carolyn live in Buffalo now so at $4 plus a gallon I'll most likely get a phone call maybe a card but no visit.
If this world was a Norman Rockwell painting. We would all have dinner at my favorite restaurant and my Mother would be right in the middle of it all. She would get mushy cards and flowers lots of hugs and kisses and we would sit around, eat good food tell silly stories and just enjoy each others company.
That is not going to happen.
Mother's Day for my Mother will be just another day in the nursing home.The kids may or may not send cards. Heather will send a card, I will send flowers, no signature. She continues her hate for me and not going to see her is at the request know I have told you all before...
How are you all doing in BLOGLAND? Will it be easier when she passes? I wonder is there relief or guilt? For the moment just sadness.