Today makes 78 days until Christmas, 32 months Mom has been in the nursing home and 37 months since Daddy died. The guilt of not seeing Mom in almost 2 years comes and goes .For me I find the lack of contact with my Mother has given me a mixed bag of emotions. IT is rougher as the Holidays grow closer. Then I stop and remind myself this has become a waiting game. Waiting for her body to not wake up because her brain, from what I am told, has all but quieted to a low hum. Sounds cold and heartless, I am sure.
My nephew-in-law's father who developed Alzheimer's just 2 1/2 years ago passed away 3 months ago. Ryan and his family were not prepared for the nasty affects of Alzheimer's. He became like my Mom mean spirited compared to others who are funny, and still sweet. Ryan has a big Irish Catholic family and because of that they all took turns and kept his Dad at home even to the bitter end. I think for some being able to do that lessens the guilt of the emotions that this horrid disease brings out in the patient and the caregiver.
I have so many family and close friends whose parents have recently left this world in the last 3 years. I have not had the courage to ask them if there is peace in the passing or more guilt!
May I ask you in blogland? Where are you all when it comes to peace of mind or endless guilt? Or somewhere in between???
I have guilt. I think we all have guilt when it comes to the feelings that we have about what we could have done and what we should have done. It's hard to ignore those feelings, but life is what it is and we all have to make choices without knowing what's down the road. We can predict but we are often wrong. Therefore, how are we to know what is exactly the right thing to do? The thing is, we need to forgive ourselves and know that every decision we made at the time, WAS the best decision at that time. We also need to forgive others. I know first hand how Alzheimer's and dementia can destroy a family. I also what needs to be done to repair what was destroyed, but you can't repair if you don't have all the pieces. I have missing pieces in my family. :(
ReplyDeleteI wish you well.
Lizzie
www.wewerefive.blogspot.com