Thanksgiving was wonderful here at my home. We had 11, a nice number.
All day long I had shadows of days past with my parents. Daddy and I cleaning the family silver, me ironing the linen napkins ( which Heather did this year for us), Mom having me chop the fixings for the stuffing, pealing the potatoes, then making mashed potatoes, her making yummy gravy. The house smelled so good , there were always 3 kinds of pies cooling.
The she would get the linen table clothe out good china out and use the silver that Daddy and I had shinned.The table always looked something out of a magazine.
Everyone would sit down and wait for Daddy to begin. Before Daddy carved the bird he would start with what he was most thankful for, he would look at my mother and me. Then say he was most thankful for us. After that each person would follow suite.
Cleaning up was always the women in the family's job. The men would go in the living room and have a cocktail or beer.
The alarm would go off the next morning at 3:30 am. Mom and I would jump in her Mustang, and hit the Black Friday sales! When we were done we would go to Dick Church's restaurant for brunch...just she and I.
This Black Friday Heather and I talked about how hard it is for her to hear from all her friends about spending the day with their grandparents. I didn't have access to my grandparents very much. Until recently Heather had 3 sets of grandparents all who spoiled her with love and lots of hugs. Now the only one left is a grandmother in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's.
She and I cried and hugged,what more could we do?
We did not head out until 1 in the afternoon then the 3 of us joined the crazy people. It was fun but for me the shadows kept coming to my mind!
Once again my heart is broken. Thank God for my faith in the Lord, the many family and friends who let me know I am loved.
I hope all of you in Blogland are able to find some peace this Holiday season.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
details
I had a very strong impression to get my Mother's "ducks" in order yesterday. I spent almost 2 hours calling the cemetery, funeral home and the company that does the engraving on the stone. Then I wrote her a rough draft of her obit. I printed it all out put in in her file and emailed copies to my 3 oldest kids. They will most not be happy with some things.Daddy always said he and MOM wanted to be cremated and to be buried at sea. Daddy however is on my bookcase in my office and when Mom goes I will have them both placed in the family plot here in NY which has been where family members have been buried since 1833. I believe Daddy is with the Lord and Mom will join him soon enough I don't really think it matters where they are laid to rest really matters. I feel better having made these plans.
Monday, November 7, 2011
time heals...kinda
This year has been rough there have been several funerals, no births or weddings.WE have had broken feet booth Brad and Heather, walking pneumonia for me as well as an outbreak of shingles a few times. ear infections and now I have Mono...Let's not forget the Broken cars, loss of income.
Even if I had been in an emotional ok place to see my Mom my body has not been well enough. That being said...
I called the nursing home today and spoke to her case worker. Apparently she is fine she crochets non stop talks to the other retired nurses and is in her own little world.
I suppose I will some day accept the fact that my Norman Rockwell image will never happen. I so wanted it to work, I tried.
There are actually hours when I don't think of my mother then there are times when I cry and my heartbreaks a little more.
The women in our family live long, so who knows when the good Lord will call her home. Every time the phone rings late or early I hold my breathe...Because of the number of funeral we have been to I ponder hers. There is a chaplain at her nursing home, I suppose that would make the most since,having her buried in the family plot with her mother. hmmm...I wonder....
Even if I had been in an emotional ok place to see my Mom my body has not been well enough. That being said...
I called the nursing home today and spoke to her case worker. Apparently she is fine she crochets non stop talks to the other retired nurses and is in her own little world.
I suppose I will some day accept the fact that my Norman Rockwell image will never happen. I so wanted it to work, I tried.
There are actually hours when I don't think of my mother then there are times when I cry and my heartbreaks a little more.
The women in our family live long, so who knows when the good Lord will call her home. Every time the phone rings late or early I hold my breathe...Because of the number of funeral we have been to I ponder hers. There is a chaplain at her nursing home, I suppose that would make the most since,having her buried in the family plot with her mother. hmmm...I wonder....
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I miss her or
I miss who she was and I miss what I thought we would have at this point in life...Christmas will be here in afew months. Some stores already have decorations up. For me it is the one time of year that my memories are for the most part sweet.
The charge nurse left a voice mail on Saturday, Mom feel landed on her bum buck naked again. She has a bruise but is fine. I just spoke with the nursing home, I was told she is in her own little word and happy.
It is almost time for her quarterly review...IT will be interesting...I cry just thinking about how life is not as I had planned when it comes to Mom.
Every time I am out and I see women her age moving, driving, laughing, being with their families I fight back the tears.
My father-in -law passed away last month he was 92 if was quick. HE was a character and in his right mind until the end. Yep death is easier than this nasty disease.
The charge nurse left a voice mail on Saturday, Mom feel landed on her bum buck naked again. She has a bruise but is fine. I just spoke with the nursing home, I was told she is in her own little word and happy.
It is almost time for her quarterly review...IT will be interesting...I cry just thinking about how life is not as I had planned when it comes to Mom.
Every time I am out and I see women her age moving, driving, laughing, being with their families I fight back the tears.
My father-in -law passed away last month he was 92 if was quick. HE was a character and in his right mind until the end. Yep death is easier than this nasty disease.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
7 months
I am not sure where the time goes these days. It was 7 months ago today that I last saw my mother. Is she out of my heart and mind? NO! I speak with her caregivers every few weeks. I still pay her bills and buy her whatever they tell me she needs.
She has a routine and they have suggested I don't come visit. They can't keep me away BUT her agitation when I leave makes it difficult for the staff to calm her down. I stay away.
I am told she "hangs out" with 3 other residents in the common room, also with advanced Alzheimer's. They have a common past; they are widows and also were nurses when they were employed.
My mother is placid she has a routine her "loops" and small pieces of memory are all that is left. She spends hours crocheting.
My early childhood was filled with different types of abuse and she and I seldom were on the same page as I got older. We did have good times on my birthday which is Halloween. Thanksgiving and Christmas were of mostly ok and some were truly joyful! Shopping for a tree for Christmas was a great event! We had to find a tree that "talked " to all of us before it was allowed to be purchased.
Then there were the BBQ's, Daddy would insist on having a big family BBQ for Memorial Day, July 4th and Labor Day, they were special times. He did this steak called "startling steak" it had been on the cover of an old Redbook magazine boy was it yummy.
Who was this woman whose lights are almost out? She was, from the stories I heard, a great boss in the OR. In her day she had to have a Masters of Nursing Science to be an OR supervisor and she did it when she was under 22 right after WWII.
She was beautiful, her mother,my Nina, was the first Miss America in 1917 and my mother was as beautiful as my grandma. She had quick wit, she and Daddy were very active with the Democratic party for as long as I can remember.
The women in my family have always been writers my great grandmother had a monthly column in a paper in Missouri. Mom wrote lots of poems and stories; I have written for a few magazines and my oldest daughter, who turns 29 Wednesday, also writes and has been published.
When grandpa passed away my mother took her mother in. Mom kept Nina until the Alzheimer's was more than my mother could handle.
She loved her grandchildren and spoiled them rotten when she could. She was devoted to Daddy. All that is gone now. In her own way she loved me, I have to believe that!
My sweet husband just lost his 92 year old father, his Dad had a good run, almost a whole century. The lose of a parent/grandparent is not easy. Heather knows seeing my mother is no longer and option. She is without any grandparents and my husband is now a 57 year old orphan.
I know that one morning I will wake up call my friend Sami and bring flowers to Mom. I need to see her once more. I am prepared for it to be "stop and run" that is what her therapist said. Go knowing that you may only have a few sane minutes then leave the second it gets bad.
I want those of you who read this blog to know how much I appreciate your notes back to me. With the passing of Brad's Dad I realize as difficult as this is, losing her will be even harder. Why? Because somewhere deep inside me I keep hoping that she and I can find resolution. I know that won't happen but ...when she leaves this world there is no hope for closure.
For now the blog entries keep me from driving my family and friends insane with my ramblings. I cry as I write fearing the outcome for me will be the same as my mother and my grandmother. Once more I thank you for letting me share the insights of my mind, heart and soul. Alzheimer's remains Horrid!
PS I have re read this 10 times please forgive my errors it is hard to write from my soul and check for grammar mistakes at the same time!
She has a routine and they have suggested I don't come visit. They can't keep me away BUT her agitation when I leave makes it difficult for the staff to calm her down. I stay away.
I am told she "hangs out" with 3 other residents in the common room, also with advanced Alzheimer's. They have a common past; they are widows and also were nurses when they were employed.
My mother is placid she has a routine her "loops" and small pieces of memory are all that is left. She spends hours crocheting.
My early childhood was filled with different types of abuse and she and I seldom were on the same page as I got older. We did have good times on my birthday which is Halloween. Thanksgiving and Christmas were of mostly ok and some were truly joyful! Shopping for a tree for Christmas was a great event! We had to find a tree that "talked " to all of us before it was allowed to be purchased.
Then there were the BBQ's, Daddy would insist on having a big family BBQ for Memorial Day, July 4th and Labor Day, they were special times. He did this steak called "startling steak" it had been on the cover of an old Redbook magazine boy was it yummy.
Who was this woman whose lights are almost out? She was, from the stories I heard, a great boss in the OR. In her day she had to have a Masters of Nursing Science to be an OR supervisor and she did it when she was under 22 right after WWII.
She was beautiful, her mother,my Nina, was the first Miss America in 1917 and my mother was as beautiful as my grandma. She had quick wit, she and Daddy were very active with the Democratic party for as long as I can remember.
The women in my family have always been writers my great grandmother had a monthly column in a paper in Missouri. Mom wrote lots of poems and stories; I have written for a few magazines and my oldest daughter, who turns 29 Wednesday, also writes and has been published.
When grandpa passed away my mother took her mother in. Mom kept Nina until the Alzheimer's was more than my mother could handle.
She loved her grandchildren and spoiled them rotten when she could. She was devoted to Daddy. All that is gone now. In her own way she loved me, I have to believe that!
My sweet husband just lost his 92 year old father, his Dad had a good run, almost a whole century. The lose of a parent/grandparent is not easy. Heather knows seeing my mother is no longer and option. She is without any grandparents and my husband is now a 57 year old orphan.
I know that one morning I will wake up call my friend Sami and bring flowers to Mom. I need to see her once more. I am prepared for it to be "stop and run" that is what her therapist said. Go knowing that you may only have a few sane minutes then leave the second it gets bad.
I want those of you who read this blog to know how much I appreciate your notes back to me. With the passing of Brad's Dad I realize as difficult as this is, losing her will be even harder. Why? Because somewhere deep inside me I keep hoping that she and I can find resolution. I know that won't happen but ...when she leaves this world there is no hope for closure.
For now the blog entries keep me from driving my family and friends insane with my ramblings. I cry as I write fearing the outcome for me will be the same as my mother and my grandmother. Once more I thank you for letting me share the insights of my mind, heart and soul. Alzheimer's remains Horrid!
PS I have re read this 10 times please forgive my errors it is hard to write from my soul and check for grammar mistakes at the same time!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
phone call
Mom's psychologist just called I wanted to speak with her about how Mom has been doing since I have not seen her in 5 months.
Mother has her own little group of old ladies, she crochets,watches TV and plays cards with them. She has good days, sick and some days where she just wants to get out of there.
According to her doctor she has "holes" in her memory due to the Alzheimer's and possibly a stroke. When those "holes" come around that is when she gets angry. Dr. Sarah says she is doing fine for someone her age.
Her doctor also told me that it takes more than one person to tend to someone in her condition. She assured me that I am taking care of her by having her in Baptist.
I was also told it was up to each of my family if they wanted to see her. It could go either way as far as how she would behave.
This was the first time I have spoken with her psychologist. I cried she was kind told me everyone needs to make there own decision.
Prayer is the only way I can come up with a decision. Hope you all are doing okay with your family members. Take care and God Bless.
Mother has her own little group of old ladies, she crochets,watches TV and plays cards with them. She has good days, sick and some days where she just wants to get out of there.
According to her doctor she has "holes" in her memory due to the Alzheimer's and possibly a stroke. When those "holes" come around that is when she gets angry. Dr. Sarah says she is doing fine for someone her age.
Her doctor also told me that it takes more than one person to tend to someone in her condition. She assured me that I am taking care of her by having her in Baptist.
I was also told it was up to each of my family if they wanted to see her. It could go either way as far as how she would behave.
This was the first time I have spoken with her psychologist. I cried she was kind told me everyone needs to make there own decision.
Prayer is the only way I can come up with a decision. Hope you all are doing okay with your family members. Take care and God Bless.
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