I miss who she was and I miss what I thought we would have at this point in life...Christmas will be here in afew months. Some stores already have decorations up. For me it is the one time of year that my memories are for the most part sweet.
The charge nurse left a voice mail on Saturday, Mom feel landed on her bum buck naked again. She has a bruise but is fine. I just spoke with the nursing home, I was told she is in her own little word and happy.
It is almost time for her quarterly review...IT will be interesting...I cry just thinking about how life is not as I had planned when it comes to Mom.
Every time I am out and I see women her age moving, driving, laughing, being with their families I fight back the tears.
My father-in -law passed away last month he was 92 if was quick. HE was a character and in his right mind until the end. Yep death is easier than this nasty disease.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
7 months
I am not sure where the time goes these days. It was 7 months ago today that I last saw my mother. Is she out of my heart and mind? NO! I speak with her caregivers every few weeks. I still pay her bills and buy her whatever they tell me she needs.
She has a routine and they have suggested I don't come visit. They can't keep me away BUT her agitation when I leave makes it difficult for the staff to calm her down. I stay away.
I am told she "hangs out" with 3 other residents in the common room, also with advanced Alzheimer's. They have a common past; they are widows and also were nurses when they were employed.
My mother is placid she has a routine her "loops" and small pieces of memory are all that is left. She spends hours crocheting.
My early childhood was filled with different types of abuse and she and I seldom were on the same page as I got older. We did have good times on my birthday which is Halloween. Thanksgiving and Christmas were of mostly ok and some were truly joyful! Shopping for a tree for Christmas was a great event! We had to find a tree that "talked " to all of us before it was allowed to be purchased.
Then there were the BBQ's, Daddy would insist on having a big family BBQ for Memorial Day, July 4th and Labor Day, they were special times. He did this steak called "startling steak" it had been on the cover of an old Redbook magazine boy was it yummy.
Who was this woman whose lights are almost out? She was, from the stories I heard, a great boss in the OR. In her day she had to have a Masters of Nursing Science to be an OR supervisor and she did it when she was under 22 right after WWII.
She was beautiful, her mother,my Nina, was the first Miss America in 1917 and my mother was as beautiful as my grandma. She had quick wit, she and Daddy were very active with the Democratic party for as long as I can remember.
The women in my family have always been writers my great grandmother had a monthly column in a paper in Missouri. Mom wrote lots of poems and stories; I have written for a few magazines and my oldest daughter, who turns 29 Wednesday, also writes and has been published.
When grandpa passed away my mother took her mother in. Mom kept Nina until the Alzheimer's was more than my mother could handle.
She loved her grandchildren and spoiled them rotten when she could. She was devoted to Daddy. All that is gone now. In her own way she loved me, I have to believe that!
My sweet husband just lost his 92 year old father, his Dad had a good run, almost a whole century. The lose of a parent/grandparent is not easy. Heather knows seeing my mother is no longer and option. She is without any grandparents and my husband is now a 57 year old orphan.
I know that one morning I will wake up call my friend Sami and bring flowers to Mom. I need to see her once more. I am prepared for it to be "stop and run" that is what her therapist said. Go knowing that you may only have a few sane minutes then leave the second it gets bad.
I want those of you who read this blog to know how much I appreciate your notes back to me. With the passing of Brad's Dad I realize as difficult as this is, losing her will be even harder. Why? Because somewhere deep inside me I keep hoping that she and I can find resolution. I know that won't happen but ...when she leaves this world there is no hope for closure.
For now the blog entries keep me from driving my family and friends insane with my ramblings. I cry as I write fearing the outcome for me will be the same as my mother and my grandmother. Once more I thank you for letting me share the insights of my mind, heart and soul. Alzheimer's remains Horrid!
PS I have re read this 10 times please forgive my errors it is hard to write from my soul and check for grammar mistakes at the same time!
She has a routine and they have suggested I don't come visit. They can't keep me away BUT her agitation when I leave makes it difficult for the staff to calm her down. I stay away.
I am told she "hangs out" with 3 other residents in the common room, also with advanced Alzheimer's. They have a common past; they are widows and also were nurses when they were employed.
My mother is placid she has a routine her "loops" and small pieces of memory are all that is left. She spends hours crocheting.
My early childhood was filled with different types of abuse and she and I seldom were on the same page as I got older. We did have good times on my birthday which is Halloween. Thanksgiving and Christmas were of mostly ok and some were truly joyful! Shopping for a tree for Christmas was a great event! We had to find a tree that "talked " to all of us before it was allowed to be purchased.
Then there were the BBQ's, Daddy would insist on having a big family BBQ for Memorial Day, July 4th and Labor Day, they were special times. He did this steak called "startling steak" it had been on the cover of an old Redbook magazine boy was it yummy.
Who was this woman whose lights are almost out? She was, from the stories I heard, a great boss in the OR. In her day she had to have a Masters of Nursing Science to be an OR supervisor and she did it when she was under 22 right after WWII.
She was beautiful, her mother,my Nina, was the first Miss America in 1917 and my mother was as beautiful as my grandma. She had quick wit, she and Daddy were very active with the Democratic party for as long as I can remember.
The women in my family have always been writers my great grandmother had a monthly column in a paper in Missouri. Mom wrote lots of poems and stories; I have written for a few magazines and my oldest daughter, who turns 29 Wednesday, also writes and has been published.
When grandpa passed away my mother took her mother in. Mom kept Nina until the Alzheimer's was more than my mother could handle.
She loved her grandchildren and spoiled them rotten when she could. She was devoted to Daddy. All that is gone now. In her own way she loved me, I have to believe that!
My sweet husband just lost his 92 year old father, his Dad had a good run, almost a whole century. The lose of a parent/grandparent is not easy. Heather knows seeing my mother is no longer and option. She is without any grandparents and my husband is now a 57 year old orphan.
I know that one morning I will wake up call my friend Sami and bring flowers to Mom. I need to see her once more. I am prepared for it to be "stop and run" that is what her therapist said. Go knowing that you may only have a few sane minutes then leave the second it gets bad.
I want those of you who read this blog to know how much I appreciate your notes back to me. With the passing of Brad's Dad I realize as difficult as this is, losing her will be even harder. Why? Because somewhere deep inside me I keep hoping that she and I can find resolution. I know that won't happen but ...when she leaves this world there is no hope for closure.
For now the blog entries keep me from driving my family and friends insane with my ramblings. I cry as I write fearing the outcome for me will be the same as my mother and my grandmother. Once more I thank you for letting me share the insights of my mind, heart and soul. Alzheimer's remains Horrid!
PS I have re read this 10 times please forgive my errors it is hard to write from my soul and check for grammar mistakes at the same time!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
phone call
Mom's psychologist just called I wanted to speak with her about how Mom has been doing since I have not seen her in 5 months.
Mother has her own little group of old ladies, she crochets,watches TV and plays cards with them. She has good days, sick and some days where she just wants to get out of there.
According to her doctor she has "holes" in her memory due to the Alzheimer's and possibly a stroke. When those "holes" come around that is when she gets angry. Dr. Sarah says she is doing fine for someone her age.
Her doctor also told me that it takes more than one person to tend to someone in her condition. She assured me that I am taking care of her by having her in Baptist.
I was also told it was up to each of my family if they wanted to see her. It could go either way as far as how she would behave.
This was the first time I have spoken with her psychologist. I cried she was kind told me everyone needs to make there own decision.
Prayer is the only way I can come up with a decision. Hope you all are doing okay with your family members. Take care and God Bless.
Mother has her own little group of old ladies, she crochets,watches TV and plays cards with them. She has good days, sick and some days where she just wants to get out of there.
According to her doctor she has "holes" in her memory due to the Alzheimer's and possibly a stroke. When those "holes" come around that is when she gets angry. Dr. Sarah says she is doing fine for someone her age.
Her doctor also told me that it takes more than one person to tend to someone in her condition. She assured me that I am taking care of her by having her in Baptist.
I was also told it was up to each of my family if they wanted to see her. It could go either way as far as how she would behave.
This was the first time I have spoken with her psychologist. I cried she was kind told me everyone needs to make there own decision.
Prayer is the only way I can come up with a decision. Hope you all are doing okay with your family members. Take care and God Bless.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
no word
It has been very quiet here in blogland. No comments from anyone and not a whole lot of new posts. For me it is simply the rest of my life has been very very busy.
I have called the nursing home and left several messages with Mom's Social worker but she has not returned my calls. I would like to speak with my mother's psychiatrist that has not occurred.I am hanging on to "no news is good news".
There was Grandparents day at Heather's school the other day. My sweetie just cried knowing she has a Grandma 18 miles away but that that Grandma is not able to attend any functions. Heather knows it is the Alzheimer's sadly that does not make it easier for my 10 year old. Why would it? It doesn't make it easy for any of us grown-ups.
I had a dream about Mom passing the other night. It was very surreal, oddly I was very calm. I wonder if that is how it will be.
I hope you are all having good days with your loved ones.
Summer is almost here I wonder what that will bring.
I have called the nursing home and left several messages with Mom's Social worker but she has not returned my calls. I would like to speak with my mother's psychiatrist that has not occurred.I am hanging on to "no news is good news".
There was Grandparents day at Heather's school the other day. My sweetie just cried knowing she has a Grandma 18 miles away but that that Grandma is not able to attend any functions. Heather knows it is the Alzheimer's sadly that does not make it easier for my 10 year old. Why would it? It doesn't make it easy for any of us grown-ups.
I had a dream about Mom passing the other night. It was very surreal, oddly I was very calm. I wonder if that is how it will be.
I hope you are all having good days with your loved ones.
Summer is almost here I wonder what that will bring.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
flowers
Tell me what is worse, the death of a beloved parent,the living parent who never says anything positive to you or the mother who has Alzheimer's and "hates" you?
A Spring bouquet of yellow flowers with several yellow rose will arrive for my Mother for Mother's Day Friday. The card just says, "You are Loved." I don't dare sign the card.
I hate this! I am sorry to complain it just hurts so much. I realized today that I really am not angry any more I am not waiting for an apology that will never come. The really bad times are packed away in box buried in the depths of my mind and soul. I do love her and I want her back, I want the good times. I want the kids to have fun with their grandma. I want to take her shopping and out to lunch.
It's NOT FAIR! I want her back WHOLE! ALZHEIMER'S IS BEYOND HORRID!
A Spring bouquet of yellow flowers with several yellow rose will arrive for my Mother for Mother's Day Friday. The card just says, "You are Loved." I don't dare sign the card.
I hate this! I am sorry to complain it just hurts so much. I realized today that I really am not angry any more I am not waiting for an apology that will never come. The really bad times are packed away in box buried in the depths of my mind and soul. I do love her and I want her back, I want the good times. I want the kids to have fun with their grandma. I want to take her shopping and out to lunch.
It's NOT FAIR! I want her back WHOLE! ALZHEIMER'S IS BEYOND HORRID!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
May 1st...
On Monday (2nd) it is meet the candidate night. I am running for the Board of Education.My parents had spent a life time active in local politics. IF life was how I planned, even with Daddy being gone, Mom would be right in the middle helping me hand out flyers, helping me decide what to wear. When things were good between us she would refer to me as her "babygirl" no matter what age I was at the time, I miss that.
Tomorrow night she would be right by my side; milling around telling everyone how her"babygirl" would do a great job.
BUT the letter I sent her telling her I was running she tore up and she asked the staff to send it back to me...another reason to hate Alzheimer's!
Next Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't cook dinner on Mother's Day so we will go out.
Rachel and Dan will be over, Joe too most likely . Heather has no choice since she is only 10. Todd will be with Jen and his Mother. Stewart and Carolyn live in Buffalo now so at $4 plus a gallon I'll most likely get a phone call maybe a card but no visit.
If this world was a Norman Rockwell painting. We would all have dinner at my favorite restaurant and my Mother would be right in the middle of it all. She would get mushy cards and flowers lots of hugs and kisses and we would sit around, eat good food tell silly stories and just enjoy each others company.
That is not going to happen.
Mother's Day for my Mother will be just another day in the nursing home.The kids may or may not send cards. Heather will send a card, I will send flowers, no signature. She continues her hate for me and not going to see her is at the request of....you know I have told you all before...
How are you all doing in BLOGLAND? Will it be easier when she passes? I wonder is there relief or guilt? For the moment just sadness.
Tomorrow night she would be right by my side; milling around telling everyone how her"babygirl" would do a great job.
BUT the letter I sent her telling her I was running she tore up and she asked the staff to send it back to me...another reason to hate Alzheimer's!
Next Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't cook dinner on Mother's Day so we will go out.
Rachel and Dan will be over, Joe too most likely . Heather has no choice since she is only 10. Todd will be with Jen and his Mother. Stewart and Carolyn live in Buffalo now so at $4 plus a gallon I'll most likely get a phone call maybe a card but no visit.
If this world was a Norman Rockwell painting. We would all have dinner at my favorite restaurant and my Mother would be right in the middle of it all. She would get mushy cards and flowers lots of hugs and kisses and we would sit around, eat good food tell silly stories and just enjoy each others company.
That is not going to happen.
Mother's Day for my Mother will be just another day in the nursing home.The kids may or may not send cards. Heather will send a card, I will send flowers, no signature. She continues her hate for me and not going to see her is at the request of....you know I have told you all before...
How are you all doing in BLOGLAND? Will it be easier when she passes? I wonder is there relief or guilt? For the moment just sadness.
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