The visit

    I took a deep breathe and headed to Baptist .  My friend Deb and her 8 year daughter Stephanie came with me, she had picked up some yellow flowers at Aldie's for me for Mom and we headed for Kmart, for the list of needed items.
       I like going to the same clerk and Geri who is about 70 is my choice at KMart. We spoke briefly about her health and the Thanksgiving dinner she would be having. She then asked me if I was going to be with my Mom. What did I do? Well, cry of course. I pulled myself together enough to tell her how Mom's condition had become worse and it was suggested that I not see her.  She was kind and told me I was a good daughter to  take the time to buy what she needed.
   We arrived at the nursing home while the 3 of us walked across the parking lot we were "flagged" down by  Anika, Mom's social worker. I handed her the flowers and the bag of clothes so they could be tagged. She said, " You aren't going to see your Mom, are you?" Again I cried.  I said  no but Deb wanted to. Anika seemed relieved.
      While I went to accounts payable Deb and Steph went to the second floor to visit. Visiting Janice and Rose in that department is always a good thing. After almost 3 years we have become friends and since they work there they have a different perspective which helps me to feel less horrible.
        I sat in the outside lobby for about 15 minutes. When Deb and Steph returned Deb gave me a glowing report . Mom looked well her hair is all white and to her waist, ( the staff would love to cut it because it is hard for them to wash it) but Mom wants it long! My Mother even remembered when they went shopping in 2009 for Christmas.
        On the way to the car Deb asked me 6 times if I wanted to go back and see her. I explained each time that Mom is on some heavy meds to keep her calm and the last thing the staff needs is for me to  upset her. AND I do NOT need to be attacked.
       I love Deb and I am glad it was a good visit for the 3 of them BUT she has a totally different relationship with her mother.
   Of course after dropping them off I cried all the way home.
   I hate Alzheimer's. I hate what it has done to my Mother and I hate what it has done to me. She will be 88 in April I wonder where she will be then.
     She can no loner walk, the uses a lift to get her up and down, she is in diapers, she is medicated to keep her calm. Please Lord take her home to be with Daddy! PLEASE!
   

A call...

        Sometimes caller ID is not my favorite phone feature.
       Thursday  IT rang, it said Baptist Health, it was really early, I held my breathe and said, " HI."  IT was Cindy, she began the conversation with, " the aide who baths Mom noticed several bruises on Mom's person, they were on her arms, buttocks, ankles. Then Cindy added, " Your Mom can no longer walk or get in and out or up and down with out help by a lift."
        Cindy is fairly sure since each time this equipment is used ( which is several times a day) Mom fights screams and generally is not pleasant that the bruises are brought on by her struggle. Made sense to me.  I hung up and told Brad and Heather, my sweet Heather cried. I left the room and cried too.
         Late last night (Friday the 9th) it rang again, again the caller ID said Baptist Health. I held my breathe. This time it was a new voice. She was reporting that Mom had become so belligerent that the Psychiatrist just had written a script for a new drug to hopefully calm her down.
          It seems my mother is slipping farther away each day. With each phone call I am torn about braving it and going to see her.
          I am afraid to see her, I am afraid of her anger, I am afraid that when I see her she will.... I am JUST AFRAID!
     

my birthday

         Halloween came and I had my 62nd birthday. All in all it was a lovely day; the kids, and friends all called, sent cards, silly presents,  Facebooked,  dropped by etc. Half way through the day however I curled up in a ball and sobbed in my husbands arms. Why? Well you can guess. I missed my parents I wondered if my mother remembered my birthday. I was born on her mother's birthday,  did she remember either one?
             Just as I was about to go to sleep my dear friend's 80 year old mother Eileen called, she sang happy birthday to me and I cried!!!!
              Is it worse when your parent is gone? Will I STILL CRY FOR WHAT MY MOM MISSES WHEN SHE IS WITH THE LORD?
            Then out of the blue in the mail on Saturday an envelope arrived from a new collection agency addressed to my mother. This company had purchased her debt from HSBC of 9 grand and wanted to be paid ASAP!   Now the phone calls have started again. I have explained until I am blue in the face that there is no money, that Daddy has been deceased for over 3 years and that my mother lives in a world that no one can get to anymore. I have sent copies of my POA and other  papers, I have gotten angry, I have cried. No matter who buys the contract they are simply out their $9 grand. Frankly at this point I really have nothing more I can do and no longer care.
         REMEMBER NEVER CALL your parent's creditors when there is a balance that can not be paid after they die or develop Alzheimer's. WHY? Because the creditors will never leave you alone.
                                                          Sigh!
         I hope you in blogland have found ways to cope with the "side bars" you know all the things that you would not think would come up once your loved one is no longer working with a full deck. This horrid disease plays havoc with our loved one who has the disease as well as those of us who do our best to take care of the many events that happen.
        Deep breathe and say a prayer. God Bless you all!!!!