The visit

    I took a deep breathe and headed to Baptist .  My friend Deb and her 8 year daughter Stephanie came with me, she had picked up some yellow flowers at Aldie's for me for Mom and we headed for Kmart, for the list of needed items.
       I like going to the same clerk and Geri who is about 70 is my choice at KMart. We spoke briefly about her health and the Thanksgiving dinner she would be having. She then asked me if I was going to be with my Mom. What did I do? Well, cry of course. I pulled myself together enough to tell her how Mom's condition had become worse and it was suggested that I not see her.  She was kind and told me I was a good daughter to  take the time to buy what she needed.
   We arrived at the nursing home while the 3 of us walked across the parking lot we were "flagged" down by  Anika, Mom's social worker. I handed her the flowers and the bag of clothes so they could be tagged. She said, " You aren't going to see your Mom, are you?" Again I cried.  I said  no but Deb wanted to. Anika seemed relieved.
      While I went to accounts payable Deb and Steph went to the second floor to visit. Visiting Janice and Rose in that department is always a good thing. After almost 3 years we have become friends and since they work there they have a different perspective which helps me to feel less horrible.
        I sat in the outside lobby for about 15 minutes. When Deb and Steph returned Deb gave me a glowing report . Mom looked well her hair is all white and to her waist, ( the staff would love to cut it because it is hard for them to wash it) but Mom wants it long! My Mother even remembered when they went shopping in 2009 for Christmas.
        On the way to the car Deb asked me 6 times if I wanted to go back and see her. I explained each time that Mom is on some heavy meds to keep her calm and the last thing the staff needs is for me to  upset her. AND I do NOT need to be attacked.
       I love Deb and I am glad it was a good visit for the 3 of them BUT she has a totally different relationship with her mother.
   Of course after dropping them off I cried all the way home.
   I hate Alzheimer's. I hate what it has done to my Mother and I hate what it has done to me. She will be 88 in April I wonder where she will be then.
     She can no loner walk, the uses a lift to get her up and down, she is in diapers, she is medicated to keep her calm. Please Lord take her home to be with Daddy! PLEASE!