thinking about

It seems to me that as my birthday gets closer and then Thanksgiving then Christmas my heart and mind are at war. Having a birthday on Halloween is not easy when you are little , kids don't want to come to a party and miss trick or treating. There were a few parties some were full of kids other s just a few. This year I turn 60 so I am throwing myself a party!
The other holidays are being figured out but the sad part is Mom will not be staying here like last year. OF course last year was the first time she was here in 24 years.
I spoke with a friend today about his anger, how giving it to God is the right thing BUT that it doesn't take much to get angry all over again. Then you give it to God again and again and again. So now I am thinking it really isn't anger anymore it is a profound sadness. Of what was supposed to be as my parents years passed by.
I waited and begged year after year for them to fly back here to the east coast. We all offered to pay their way but it just didn't happen there was always a reason and now it is to late.
Mother and I have moments maybe even 40 minutes before it gets nasty. I remind myself over and over again I at least have her here. Several of my friends and my sweet husband have buried their mothers. How will I feel when she checks out of this world? Where will she go? She says now she hates God.. I hope that is the disease and not the truth. I wonder when the peace comes and when does it stay. I told a friend there are weeks when I am not sad or angry but I think that is a lie I tell myself because I don't want to feel the depth of dis pare that this horrid disease has brought into my life.
When she and Daddy were in Az. and I would visit it was hmmm.. no real words perhaps it was safe. Safe in feeling they were going to die in each others arms and I would become an adult orphan life many of my friends. There would be a simple funeral and I would sort through there stuff and move on with my life. NO didn't happen that way..No gentleness just loss not only of the world's best Daddy but the loss of ever having a chance to find a peace with MOM.
What is there to say when your only parent can no longer be part of the family gatherings. Why when hurtful things come out of that person's mouth do you have to right it off, "it's just the Alzheimer's talking!" I want to swear so loudly I want to scream...I want it over...forgive me but that is the awful secret that I have never admitted to before this second..I want it over now. I am tired and sad and crying again.

forgive my typos

Hi there, I am so strung out when I write here in blogland that I do not take the time to prof my writings sorry about the typos. The last post was actually an email I sent to my sons I copied and pasted but after I posted and read the final post I realized I had not changed some of the wording.. Anyway so sorry... This situation just makes me crazy!

She was just nasty!

Joe couldn't come as planne dfor the dinner with Mom last night. I do understand work and supporting his family comes first. I brought my friend Samantha along. There was a little more traffic going south on 50 than I expected so we were a few minutes late .
Beverly's mean spirit immediately started by telling Heather she didn't like what she was wearing and why was she wearing something so strange. Heather fought back the tears and she told your Grandma that it was the dress she wore in her cousins wedding and that she had gotten dressed up for her (meaning Grandma Carey). Sami and I told Heather to spin around so Mom could see how cool the skirt is....Mom smiled and stopped her nastiness UNTIL...
We got in the car and Mom started in on me... Why did I have her car? How she hates the prison, Why is she there etc. I went about 10 feet, stopped the car and informed my Mother that I was not going to listen to her attack me so she had 2 choices she could be nice to me or she could go back to her room.
She swore under breathe and said, "I guess I have no choice, I'll be nice." I realize she does not do this shit around my sons, or Rachel nor most other people BUT i seem to be fair game, this is why I am a wreck after most visits!
Rachel arrived a few minutes after we did to the diner.
Mom had a drink and for the next 90 minutes she just "looped" about a variety of subjects.
I saw her 2 times this week.. I am done for a few. I hope and pray her mental state which is like her Mother's during her Alzheimer's in NOT MY path!
I HATE THIS!!!!!

another visit ...

Off Sami and I went to see the Mom...I stopped and got her black coffee and 2 chocolate donuts from good ol' Dunkin' Donuts. Mom was sitting on her bed just staring off into no where when we arrived. I explained I needed to do an inventory of her clothes before the snow flies and she and Sami headed for the lounge. How can a space that is 10x12 get so filled and so cluttered???
I had once again been called about the disappearance of cotton panties. I went through every drawer and found all but 2 pairs which I assume were in the laundry. I then tagged each drawer with the contents so Mom would know (hopefully ) where to place her clothes. I know the laundry does not have time to do laundry like I do at home but several of her white undies were gray.SIGH!
This woman once ran the OR of one of the biggest hospitals in Southern California. On some level this all must bother her. Or does it? It certainly plays havoc on my soul and heart. I came home and sobbed and was in major dis pare for the rest of the day.
Joe, Rachel, heather and I are all over our colds so IF nothing gets in the way we are taking her out for Chinese dinner on Thursday.
There are 78 days until Christmas I am dreaded them when it comes to Mom. I miss Daddy and I miss her.

who is?????

Sigh....another call from the nursing home telling me Mother cotton incontinent panties have disappeared again.. What or who can be taking her undies??? Plus there is a shopping day put on by Marshall's and TJMax's and her aides' have said she has gained weight and needs new cloths but hey where is the money supposed to come from to pay for the items??? They take every penny every month...I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be her mother I have been stuck in that roll since I was 3 years old!!! I hate how guilty I feel at least I still have my mother well I have her shell....I hate the fact that Daddy died first. Life is not always easy...

aawwww

It's been 2 weeks and the Lord let me know it was a time to go visit Beverly. I DO NOT go alone , I picked up yellow roses (Mom's flower of choice) then Sami and off she and I went. When we arrived the sitting area was empty off we trotted to Mom's room. The nurse was giving her some meds.Each time I visit I swear she has aged 10 years. The first 20 minutes wee okay other than the loop...Mom must have asked Sami to sit down 15 times. Then she started in.....I held my tongue, prayed then looked at Sami, kissed Mom good bye and left.
Something about visiting her while in her very small room makes for bad visits. The suites are lovely however the resident must be able to do private pay 50% of the bill. The monthly cost for Baptist is $13,789.22. Had my parents made better choices she could have one of those rooms. There was no savings, no insurance and my mother was/is a chronic gamble and went through about $500,000 in 20 years. Anyway from her perspective her bedroom is a prison then gain on days like yesterday her anger over being there is pretty intense. Of course no matter what I know to be true I feel QUILTY!
That's why this blog is call Alzheimer's is horrid!

no money

You would think after 14 months and sending out countless numbers of your POA that the bill collectors would get the message, "THERE IS NO MONEY TO GIVE THEM!" I do my best to be pleasant but who in their right mind gives a couple of 80 plus year old people an unsecured credit line of $10,000. The balance at time of Daddy passing last July was over $6000 . HSBC has said they would be glad to accept a mere $2000. Guess what there is not any money...sigh!