thinking about

It seems to me that as my birthday gets closer and then Thanksgiving then Christmas my heart and mind are at war. Having a birthday on Halloween is not easy when you are little , kids don't want to come to a party and miss trick or treating. There were a few parties some were full of kids other s just a few. This year I turn 60 so I am throwing myself a party!
The other holidays are being figured out but the sad part is Mom will not be staying here like last year. OF course last year was the first time she was here in 24 years.
I spoke with a friend today about his anger, how giving it to God is the right thing BUT that it doesn't take much to get angry all over again. Then you give it to God again and again and again. So now I am thinking it really isn't anger anymore it is a profound sadness. Of what was supposed to be as my parents years passed by.
I waited and begged year after year for them to fly back here to the east coast. We all offered to pay their way but it just didn't happen there was always a reason and now it is to late.
Mother and I have moments maybe even 40 minutes before it gets nasty. I remind myself over and over again I at least have her here. Several of my friends and my sweet husband have buried their mothers. How will I feel when she checks out of this world? Where will she go? She says now she hates God.. I hope that is the disease and not the truth. I wonder when the peace comes and when does it stay. I told a friend there are weeks when I am not sad or angry but I think that is a lie I tell myself because I don't want to feel the depth of dis pare that this horrid disease has brought into my life.
When she and Daddy were in Az. and I would visit it was hmmm.. no real words perhaps it was safe. Safe in feeling they were going to die in each others arms and I would become an adult orphan life many of my friends. There would be a simple funeral and I would sort through there stuff and move on with my life. NO didn't happen that way..No gentleness just loss not only of the world's best Daddy but the loss of ever having a chance to find a peace with MOM.
What is there to say when your only parent can no longer be part of the family gatherings. Why when hurtful things come out of that person's mouth do you have to right it off, "it's just the Alzheimer's talking!" I want to swear so loudly I want to scream...I want it over...forgive me but that is the awful secret that I have never admitted to before this second..I want it over now. I am tired and sad and crying again.