Feeling charged and at peace after the retreat Tuesday I woke up and the Lord let me know it was time to visit. I had not seen Beverly since her attack on my sweet Heather. I prayed all the way down.
When I arrive and Mom is sitting in the "common area" it is much more likely that our visit will be okay. EVERY time I visit in her room it turns NASTY! So guess what? No Mother in the "common area." I took a deep breathe and headed down her hall, which oddly enough is called Harmony Lane.
She saw me she actually greeted me with a smile and kiss. Our visit was sweet only briefly did she start about being in prison but she stopped herself. I just kept talking about something else.
I kept it short we spoke about nothing really; it is the safest. I don't bring up anything of consequence or any subject that might bring on a fit of anger. I kissed her goodbye told I would see her soon.
Now you would think because the visit was sweet I would be happy. No, that little voice, call in "the Enemy" or whatever you want started the moment I got into my car. IT said," The boys are right you should have kept her at home, Why is she in the nursing home? She is so sweet. You are a horrible daughter!" ....you get the drift.
My mother is in the nursing home because she is in level 2 in the middle; there are 2 views of this Horrid disease 1-3 or 1-7 grading. It is eating her brain and I never know what will be her next word or action will be.
My heart breaks. I KNOW this is where she belongs....but.....this is not how it was supposed to be in her last days...and that is when the tears begin again and again.....