Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Pretty heavy thoughts

Sometimes just posting what I write my 3 older kids is less painful than recounting an event...
"Stewart and Rachel, I am sending this to you both and hope your reading this will save my heart from having to repeat all this to you both about the visit. Joe and I took your Grandma to lunch. She looped and had a "peeing" accident. Mostly she was quiet..

Hi Joe,
I did not get home until after 9 I called both your numbers but got voice mail. Brad only said you wanted to discuss Grandma.
I can tell you it is very difficult to watch her dissolve before my eyes. I am not sure which is more painful and sad her being nasty and mean or her being so childlike. When I returned her as we walked toward the elevator she grabbed my hand very hard and simply said, " I hate it here." I squeezed her hand and just said, "I know."
When we got up to the second floor we got out and she looked around and asked where her room was so she could change her clothes. I pointed her in the direction kissed her and left. I cried all the way home.
For some reason her behavior reminds me of the scene from Wizard of OZ when the witch has water thrown on her and she yells, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
I was told how difficult this would be; Alzheimer's has no rules nor a pattern each person is different. For most, so I am told by the "experts" she will gradually forget us and retreat to a world only she can get too.
Sadly I think that will be sooner than later.
I love each of you very much and pray with all my heart this does not happen to me. Later, Mom"
IT is not easy having a parent ill, I almost think when Mom had cancer and went through the chemo it was easier than this. At least with the uterine cancer we knew how to fight it. There is no fighting this disease it will take her no matter what I do. Even though we have not always gotten along, there were years when I was little she was all I had and I held onto her hand when I was afraid. Now the rolls are reversed only I know I can NOT protect her from what is happening. Do you think she knows that she is "melting?" Do any Alzheimer's patients know they are dissolving before our eyes?
When I look into her eyes these days mostly they are blank,sometimes angry and for a brief moment I think I see fear..
I can't imagine what it is to be in the mind of an Alzheimer's victim. Victim is an accurate description. Why? I have decided Alzheimer's attacks like a thief in the night; mostly to women who are over 75, it does not care about race, social status or anything else. Those who have been "attacked " have no way to get away.It traps them in a world where eventually they live ALONE. There is NO amount of money that will free our relatives no amount of medicine or care that will change their path. They will evaporate, they will melt away and we WILL LOOSE our loved ones.
Who they once were will be only memories, that is all we will have to hold onto. Maybe that is why there are so many tears?As I have said since the beginning of this blog "Alzheimer's Is HORRID!


  1. I too have a mom with AD. I look forward to the day when I can remember without tears who she was before. My heart goes out to you.

  2. Pam, The memories even the bad ones are better than what I have now. The blank looks the confusion. My mother has a BA and a Masters in Science and she can't remember to go potty or where her room is these days. You are not alone, my heart is with yours and the rest of us who are walking this path. God Bless