another passing

I have a brother who is 8 years older than myself. My mother,  had him at 17  barely 7 months along. In 1942 when a infant was under 3 lbs there was little hope. Even though Mom was married somehow my  grandparents decided they should raise him, and they did. I did not meet him until he was 21.
HE was not all together "in his right mind" and he caused lots of trouble. He did get married it lasted long enough for him to father two daughters.
A few days ago while on facebook I noticed people saying things to my niece like, " so sorry for your loss", "I will keep you in our prayers.." I went back through the "wall" but could not figure out what  had happened. I emailed Diane Sue and found out the her sister, my 41 year old niece, wife and mother of 5 had been killed Wednesday the 13th by a drunk driver.
I immediately wanted to call Daddy and Mom and tell them. I even had the phone in my hand for a brief second.
Cindy is with the Lord,  she has seen Daddy,  I believe.  I can't tell Mom, she most likely would not know who Cindy even was. My heart once again aches there are so many things that Alzheimer's steals. Even sharing tragedy, is not possible..... My heart has no more tears right now...Night all. God Bless.

More nightgowns

      It seems my main job is to pay her bills and  to purchase clothes for my Mom. The call from the nursing home came last week. "Hi Jewels, the nurses on your Mother's floor said she needs some new nightgowns." I have no problem doing that but where do they go? I wonder if it is that the commercial washing machines "eats"  the fabric after awhile. I have found Lands End seems to have the nicest mid-calf heavier fabric short sleeve and sleeveless collection with nice solids and prints to choose from, for modesty sake.
      My mother  always wore lovely matching undies but no longer wears a bra and sadly is in diapers. Non shear gowns are a must.  I remember when I was a teenager going into my Mom's closet she must have had at least a dozen, if not more, beautiful lace gowns and robes of all colors  and little slippers with heals to match.
      She loved pretty clothes, she was so pretty.  Until she was in her mid 30's she had auburn hair to her waist which she wore in a pony tail.  Daddy and Mommy went to Mexico to the dog-races and some man offered Mom  a thousand dollars for her pony tail. She laughed and said, No!" A few months later her Mother told her she was to old to wear a pony tail and she had her her cut off. That was long before "locks of love" so she was minus her beautiful hair. She should have sold it to the man at least she would have had the $1000. 
        I stopped at the store before going to the nursing home. I added to the bag with the 3 gowns, 3 magazines, a Hershey almond bar, a sleeve of Oreo double stuff cookies  and a coke. All her favorite things.
        Once again I was going to brave the trip to the second floor. BUT I handed everything to her Social worker instead and left. My friend Sami waited in my car. Her mother passed away a few years ago. Her Mom also had Alzheimer's  so she understands the path so many of us take. By time her Mother passed away she also had no clue who Sami or her siblings were. She understood my tears on the way home.
       That is what this blog is about letting everyone in Blogland know it is okay to be angry, and sad. We all cry for what is happening now and what  we thought it was "supposed to be"  like and deep inside we want it to be over.
       Thanks for not judging. I hope on some small level my words (typos and all)  give some comfort. God Bless, Jewels
     

Their loss...

Over the last several days 4 dears friends have had parents pass away. Two very suddenly with no history of major illness. Two whose parents had Alzheimer's, I have shared a few conversations with them about this Horrid disease. The truth of the matter is for them they will miss the fact that their Dads have left this world.They will hurt for what these last years were missing.There will be guilt for the relief of no longer having to deal with the Alzheimer's. I envy the latter...Forgive me God I want her to go home to you and my Dad! I want so much to only think of the good times. The rough times are not the first thing I remember any more. The Lord, time and distance have eased the pain and hurt. I hope and pray for my friends and all of us that with the passing of loved ones each of us will find comfort and peace.

Rachel earns her Master's Degree

My Daddy dropped out of high school to join the Navy in WWII.I didn't know that until I was a teenager. He served our country for 25 years he retired as a Master Chief (radioman). He went to work for an upcoming computer company called Control Data in the beginning they were IBM's main competition. HE wrote and designed software.After several years there they wanted to promote him, that is when we all found out Daddy was a high school dropout. He very quietly went to night school got his GED and went to college, he got the promotion. Education was so important to Daddy. While I was watching my sweet daughter receive her degree I thought Daddy would be so very proud of her.As Horrid as Alzheimer's is the death of a beloved parent is just as bad. Even though my Mom has no clue what goes on I want to believe that Daddy looked down from Heaven this morning and watched his sweet,smart and beautiful granddaughter get her Master's Degree in Cultural Anthropology. Tuesday (15th) I sat at my doctor's office waiting for a test to be taken. A lovely older woman was talking away to Brad and I. After several minutes I had to ask her (a very tacky question) how old she was. She smiled a beautiful smile and said with great energy, " I am 83 years young!" You in blogland know what comes next...That should be my mother, my plan was so different than our reality. As I am sure for each of you,your plan was to have "happily ever after"...but alas that is not her (our) destiny... My Mother always loved a hot bubble bath when she got home from her shift at the OR. I would run her tub while she would pour herself a cold coke, grab a magazine and then slide into the tub. Sometimes if she worked a double shift half way through her bath she would yell for me. The bubbles covered all but her face and she would ask me about my day, I didn't not appreciate that time until the other day.Once again the phone rang,Cindy the day charge nurse called. Mom was found sitting in a bathtub naked, no water,no bubbles just sitting there looking around.Another thing stolen by the Alzheimer's! Deep sigh of sadness. Good night all, and God Bless.

more flowers

Just another reason for tears. I ordered flowers wrapped and tied with yellow ribbons. I thought all the way to the nursing home I would find the courage to hand them to Mom, myself. I didn't! I tried instead I handed them to the receptionist wished her a Happy Mother's Day and left. I hope you in blogland have better luck staying in touch than I do. Some how writing checks paying her bills, purchasing everything they say she needs, sending flowers frequently just doesn't seem enough. Forgive me for whining right at the moment I am feeling sorry for myself....and my Mother. Good night all, Happy mother's Day and God Bless!

confused

I just spent 30 minutes writing a response to my last replies but I have no clue where it went sigh...I 'll try again later time to take Heather to school

What I miss...

I think for all of us the way things used to be; is on more occasions than not,is painful. After time the bad things seems unimportant and the happy times come to the for front. Mostly I miss my Daddy's knowledge his life experiences made him so wise. Our Rachel is getting her Masters Degree on the 19th, I am so proud of her. She is also getting a divorce after 18 months of marriage. Our youngest is moving up to middle school on June 20th. These 3 events are just a few of the things that are happening with our 5 kids and their families. I so want to share with my parents... I look up on the shelf in my studio and talk to Daddy's ashes and his picture. I try to hear what he would tell me to say about the divorce. When Mom was "here" mentally and physically she and I would go out to lunch then we would shop for the perfect gifts for her granddaughters. I looked for Mother's day cards for my daughter-in-laws, some good friends and yes one for my Mother from Heather. I read several that in the past I would have sent to Mom. I cried. The flowers will be sent again. Again signed,"You are loved!" Oh Lord make my heart stop hurting, please....How many tears are there???