What I want for 2011.

The Mom part of Christmas was beyond rough. The five kids, 4 spouses, 3 grandchildren and friends part was sweet.
I am not sure what 2011 will bring as far as Mom and I are concerned. I pray daily that there will be peace for the 2 of us. I do know this horrid disease will not allow that to happen. Perhaps just learning not to react and perhaps building a wall around my heart and soul so each visit doesn't HURT so MUCH will work!
In 2011 my visits will be less frequent. I'll continue to pay her bills. Make sure whatever the nursing home tells me she needs will be provided. Cold, it seems very cold. I can no longer let this situation wipe me out for days. It is not fair to my 10 year old ,Heather nor my husband, Brad.
I hope and pray we all get through this disease with our loved ones. Thank God, He never gets tired of our petitions. Prayer for me is constant, giving "IT" to Him and NOT taking "IT" back is where I fall short daily.
God Bless you all and Happy New Year!

Santa came to visit

Since seeing my mother alone dose not work I brought an army this time. My husband, Sami the wife of Santa and my friend Heather and 3 of her friends. The girls had been at my house all afternoon baking. Then our surprise visitor arrived. After he talked to all the girls I asked if he would come with us to Baptist. I called them to make sure Santa would be welcome, they were thrilled. Off we went in 2 cars and arrived. Mother flirted with Santa, then asked who he was I told her Santa. True to form Mom was rude to Brad, ignored Heather and as soon as she had me alone attacked. Before we left I spoke to the charge nurse who informed me mother had been in bed all week and when My name came up she said, " I want to strangle her" So needless to say the boys can have Mom up for Christmas. I will not be joining them! She wins again! Yes I know it is the disease but it still gets to me. I gave her her gifts, kissed her on the ckeck and left. I hope you all have better luck with your relatives! Merry Christmas!

I want to be a kid...

I want to stamp my foot and kick some dirt and scream, "I don't want to!" as loud as I can!!!
But I am a grown up who is responsible so I won't do what I would like to and neither will any of you out in Blogland. We will take care of our loved ones who have this horrid disease until they pass away. NOT fair!

Heather's virus

Stewart called yesterday he and his wife will be traveling in from Buffalo to stay with us Christmas eve and Christmas Day.It is a 5 -6 hour drive so even though Joe our oldest has assigned Stewart the job of bring Mom up to Joe's' house Christmas day Stewart feel he is doing enough driving.I would rather no one bring Mom to Joe's and it just be "the kids" and us. Rachel and Heather agree with me.
I have been praying how to handle this and doing my best to give it to God and NOT take it back.
Heather woke up at midnight and has been vomiting every hour since then. Her friend at school got this 24 hour bug on Wednesday. And as bad as this may sound if Brad or I get this we will have to stay home Christmas. I would miss the kids.
My plan is to take Mom her presents...no I really don't have a clue how this week will play out.
Brad has term for this kind of confusion he calls it " the speed bumps of life" that fits this for me...

I don't want to ......

I will sound whinny because I am. I do not want to deal with my mother this Christmas! I don't want to visit the nursing home no matter how nice it is. I don't want to deal with her in anyway. I want to just pretend she is in AZ with my Daddy and I will send them their usual presents and they will send me money to buy their grandchildren and great grandchildren presents that way they don't have to pay postage. I want it to be like it was Dec of 2008. I miss my Daddy and I don't like this woman in the nursing home. I am tired of feeling guilty for not being a devoted daughter.
I HATE ALZHEIMER"S AND I HATE THAT DADDY IS GONE!

Rachel's take on the crazy coat lady

My daughter Rachel posted this version on facebook...pretty funny...
It went something like this:
Old Lady #2 says to Old Lady #1 (my grandmother) "Is this the girl?" Old Lady #1- "It is."
Old Lady #2 tells me to follow her, which I do.
Old Lady #2 shoves an ankle length white winter coat at me and tells me ...she wants me to have it. I protest. She won't hear of it. I decide to thank her, take it, and then double back and return it to the nurses. I walk back down the hall and say goodbye to Old Lady#1. Crazy Nurse jumps out from behind the desk, grabs the coat, and yells "You can't take that coat!"
Old Lady #2 shouts "It's mine and I can give it to whoever I want!" Old Lady #1 says "You can't tell her what to do!"
Crazy Nurse shouts, "No! Because then the coat won't be in your closet and you won't remember and you'll say someone stole it!"
Insanity ensues. Mum and I quietly exit via the nearest elevator. Fifteen minutes later Mum gets a call that Old Ladies 1 & 2 resorted to fisticuffs, infuriated that Crazy Nurse had embarrassed me.
So even in a lock down unit and a well thought of nursing home Alzheiemer's patients can still make us laugh....kinda

a little humour

Rachel was available to go see Mom on Wednesday.I gathered some winter sweaters, a musical Christmas tree and other things. We met at the nursing home. Mom seemed happy to see us. I told her I was going to decorate her room and clean it out. She and Rachel stayed in the "common room". Boy what a collection of stuff to clean ; TV guides from 5 months ago envelopes with nothing in them etc etc....Mom keeps crocheting I keep taking the afghans and give them to different organizations.
As we were about to leave a rather attractive woman very well dressed walked up to Rachel and handed her a lovely off white coat in a cleaners bag. She told Rachel she wanted her to have it. Rachel just looked at me. I thought the woman was an employee....WRONG!
Cindy, the charge nurse, flew around the counter and grabbed the coat from Rachel and told the pretty lady(she is a patient not a staff person) she could not give her clothes away.Well as Rachel headed for the elevator my Mom, the lady and Cindy got into a yelling match about whether or not the lady could give her own coat to whomever she wanted too. We got in the elevator as the screaming escalated.
Half way home my cell phone rang it was Cindy she was afraid Rachel was embarrassed by the scene. I told her, " My mother is in a lock down unit with other people who are NOT quit "all there" so nothing would surprise us." I did call Rachel she was embarrassed not for herself but for her Grandma and the pretty lady.
Joe came over later and as I told him the story he told me that coat had been in Mom closet and she wore up to his house for thanksgiving. I wonder what Cindy will do if I tell her about the traveling coat?
Oh, other than the coat incident the visit was sweet.

catch up

Depending on which family member you speak with there is a different view of how my Mother handled Thanksgiving at Joe's house. Joe thought other than the driving; for him it meant a total of 4 hours on the road, IT was lovely. According to my newly married Rachel and her husband, Dan, Mom really didn't have a clue. The dinner at Joe's was with most of the family which included my x husband. Who she thinks I am still married to. Rachel and Dan said she was more childlike than ever.
Last week I spent 5 hours attempting to get the Veterans Widows' pension straightened out. We shall see if it is fixed.
To be honest I have had so much going on to get ready for Christmas and even more in my heart and soul I have not seen Mom in 3 weeks. I just can't get through the emotions.
Several of my friends lost a parent this year. Maybe that is because we are all getting older ourselves and our parents are pretty darn old!! Death is part of the whole picture. Funny thing is I am a Christian I should be at peace with death and what happens next. But the lose of loved ones is still very difficult.
In regards to my Mom it is worse watching her "melt" away is than her passing.
My heart aches...I know all of you have the same ache. I sometimes think death would be easier on some level. Alzheimer's just takes our parents a little at a time.